Slowly, I think I’m getting into a rhythm. I can sleep a bit longer at night. I am not as tired during the day. Weather is getting better, the front has passed and the rain is leaving. I think the best time to visit here is probably mid of April to mid of May. And then sometime in the fall. I’ll probably schedule to come back about that time in the future.
After I got the papers printed, signed and scanned and emailed, I went out and had the traditional Chinese breakfast, soybean milk and chinese pancake and an egg. Then I walked down the street and found tons of food I’d like to eat in the next few days. Can’t wait to take Leo around next time. I was looking for the seal paste and was directed to a small store that sells just about everything. It’s like I have found a treasure store. I spent a lot of time walking in the narrow isles with stuff piled on top of stuff looking at everything. As I was paying for the few items I picked up, I commented to the owner how much stuff they have. The clerk told me there is a second floor still. I think I’m going back again.
Coming out of the store, I saw a tea shop. I walked in and said I am looking to buy some tea. The young owner said sure, come in, I’ll let you try a few different kinds and see which one you like the best. There were a couple other customers already sitting around a small table made from a big tree with tea pots laying around. And they were tasting different teas already. So I sat down with them and we started chatting. I tried 3 different kinds and liked 2 of them. The owner was telling me the differences between the tea and where they were from and how to distinguish between them. I can’t remember everything he said, but he told me I can go back and he’ll be happy to share more about tea and let me taste others. I think I will, for sure.
I bought a few steamed buns and went and had lunch with mom. She wasn’t in a talkative mood. We just sat and watched TV for a while. She has a bit of a cold and when she choked on some rice noodles, it was hard for her to catch her breath. I was very concerned, but Mary was a lot calmer. I guess she is used to the way the old people cough. I’m not sure if I can handle the health situation for mom if we live together. I would feel helpless as I did today. I am very thankful that she is around people who know how to take care of her. She kept telling me nowadays, those kids couldn’t wait to rush their elderly out to the nursing home, that they don’t have any sympathy for their elderly and no feelings. She said in her days, people love to have their elderly around at home. I feel very guilty whenever she said these things. I know she was hinting that I should come back and take care of her. But I can’t. I don’t want to live here any more and my home is not here. She told me she doesn’t want to go to the US. So, there is no middle ground here. I am very sad.
Yesterday when I went to visit the older couple of relatives around here. The lady said something that really cut into my heart too. She said it’s good that my mom sold the apartment cause that’s why I am coming back so much often now. Sounds like I only come back because there is money here. I guess financially, it’s true. Without mom’s money, I wouldn’t be able to make these trips, but it also appears to them that it’s only for the money that I am here. I guess I can’t blame them for thinking this way. It is true that I never came back very often before.
Every time I came back, I get sad and melancholy. On one hand, I feel helpless towards mom’s situation. On the other, I have to deal with all these relatives who stand on the side holding a mocking attitude and yet I have to thank them profusely for taking care of my mom.
Oh well, instead of staying in the hotel room brooding over these negative thoughts, I need to go out and find something positive and happy to do.
