Monthly Archives: June 2010

Well, word came that mom was sent to the hospital for shortness of breath.  Then as I was getting ready, word came again that she is in the ICU.  I got the earliest flight back and went directly to the hospital.  She recognized me and was communicative with everyone there.  But that was the best day since I got here.  She never took food so they put in the feednig tube.  She was breathing hard and constipated.  And she has been sleeping during the day when I am here.  The mask they put on her to inflate the lung keeps her up so she couldn’t get good sleep at night.  Even during the day, there are constant interruptions with vital sign checking, weighing, anima, asthma like breathing medicine… on and on and on.

The only thing she is saying to me now is that she wants to go home.  go home.  go home.  Sometimes, she would call for her mom, too.  It’s a hard process to be born, and it’s also a hard one in the end.  The body is shutting down slowly and all the advanced medicine can only try to help whatever minimal function there is left to keep alive.  And all these measures just increase the discomfort of the elderly.  There is no easy way and the onlookers feel helpless.

Dying is a very hard process for everyone involved.

The dreaded news came from an evening overseas call.  Cousin said they found lumps on the left armpit and between the leg and stomach.  He said mom is not complaining about any pain but the lumps are tender to the touch.  The doctor wanted to do a biopsy and have her stay in the hospital for four days to determine if it’s her breast cancer spreading or something else.  He wanted me to make the decision of what to do next.

Talked to E and she gave me more information on breast cancer, its diagnosis and how to treat it and what the prognosis.  At 96, nothing sounds promising or appropriate.  She’s exhausted just from an outing to the doctor’s office, can’t put her through biopsy, cuts, and or chemo.  So that means do nothing and just wait.

I know it’s coming some day.  But I’m still not ready to deal with it.  Knowing it’s getting close to the end is hard.  It just depletes all the energy and motivatino to deal anything in my own life.  The brain wants to wander instead of focusing on what I should do next.   Forcing it to function only works for a short time and tires me out soon.  I am between the determination to do what I can do and let go of what I can’t control and the total pessimistic giving up trying.

Serena is great for being a friend of new acquaintence from last year.  She is already finding prospective places to stay for less within a day’s notice.  And she sent hilarious pictures told me to laugh no matter what happens in life.  There are angels in the world.

The financial matters, the travel arrangements, the emotional ups and downs, too much to do and no motivation to get any of them done. 

Amazing how things in life affect your mood and energy.  It’s all in the brain and yet we have little power to control our behaviors and thoughts.