Monthly Archives: August 2010

Went to the bank and took care of some business there.  Went back to the hotel and took a nap.  Serena picked me up on her way to the shop and i spent the afternoon there.  We talked and for the first time we almost got into an argument.  It’s when she thought I accused her of being nice to people because of business.  I didn’t accuse her, I just thought that would be the reason I would put up with people whose personality is in conflict with mine.  I have less tolerance of people like that than she does.  She sees the loneliness and the helplessness side and she’s willing to share her compassion for them.  I may need to improve my own personality to accommodate more people in my life.

This is the last full day in Taiwan.  I’m leaving tomorrow for the trip home.   Not sure how to deal with my emotions yet.  And there are still potential problems ahead.  I don’t want to think about them now. 

Mr. Liu called tonight to show his concerns and to wish me a safe trip home.  He’s being very helpful trying to help me understand the hidden intentions or customs like I should give Nikon’s children some red envelop for good luck.  Like I should thank Nikon for his help, etc.  I’m thankful to meet someone like him to help me through this process.  God has sent a lot of angels.

Early in the morning, the van came to the hotel and picked me and 星蓮 up.  Nikon and his wife, his son and his oldest daughtest were already on the van.  we arrived at the funeral home well before 8am.  As soon as we got in front of the hall, I noticed that they made a mistake and put the wrong maiden name for mom.  Nikon told Mr. Liu and asked him to change it asap.  He called his assistant and got that corrected before the ritual. 

We went to the name plate room with the master and moved mom’s name plate to the ritual hall.  We put on the mourning clothing and then at the ‘right time’, went and moved mom from the cold room to the ritual hall, she was placed behind the platform that has her picture and the name plate and lots of flowers. 

After the master said the prayers, the family said good byes to mom, then the friends.  Another set of prayers were said then we moved her body to the cremation hall.  At the moment they moved her coffin into the burner, we all said ‘Get out of your body quickly, the fire is coming’.  We waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half and the screen showed it’s done.  We went down, I got the 捨立子 and the closest family picked the leg bones and put them in the urn, then the helper from the funeral home put the rest in and sealed it. 

We all piled back into the van and went to the ashes tower temple.  The drive took about 40 minutes, we went through another set of rituals and moved her urn into the storage locker. 

The van took us back to Taipei and dropped us off.

I kept my emotions in check and focused on the procedures and tasks at hand.  I will deal with them when i get home. 

When we were waiting for the cremation, Nikon told me the older cousin was upset that he didn’t see flower basket with his name on it.  He didn’t express the intention to send the flower basket or to order them himself, we ordered all the flower baskets ourselves.  He should have the sense to do something to show respect to mom, he didn’t but he expect others to include him in the preparation.  There is very little respect I have for him left.

Nikon gave me the messages that the grandson in China said.  He was upset that I kept mom’s ashes in Taiwan.  He said the husband and wife should be buried together and he questioned if I care about my dad and don’t I want to pay him the visit and respect too?  I said of course I care about dad too.  Why don’t we move him back to Taiwan so they can be togther and i can come back here and visit both of them.  I was angry.  I was angry that they assume the authority to make the decision where I should keep mom’s ashes.  I was angry that they accuse me of not care about dad.  I was angry finally that they took dad’s ashes back to China and now I don’t get to pay him the respect when I come back to Taiwan.  Nikon still hinted that we can move mom back in a couple of years when they are ready and I calm down.  I don’t think so.  But then, why am I so stubborn about where the ashes are kept if I don’t believe the spirit is there any more.  All these arguments are for the living and what makes the living feel better, not for the dead.  Oh well.  this is probably part of the stuff I need to process when I get back.  Maybe I’ll calm down like Nikon said and give up and let them have her ashes in a couple of years.  It’s only for selfish reason I want to keep her in Taiwan. 

I spent the night with Serena and her husband.  They helped me keep my mind off of the emotions.

This is the 5th 7th day ritual.  We didn’t pay for prayers but Mr. Liu told me to bring some dishes mom liked to the funeral home.  I think I was worrying about it all night, I woke up after 3 hours of sleep at 2:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep any more.  I don’t know where to go to get cooked food in the morning.  So I worried about it all night.

In the morning, I got out the hotel and told mom I’ll try my best and whatever I can find we’ll share it.  I went to the market and walked about looking for cooked food.  Found some roast chicken, then I found some sea weed, some tofu product, and another stand has some big cooked shrimp.  Couldn’t find any cooked rice, so I got some 油飯.  I also got a big asian pear, an apple and a guava.  It’s a long way to the funeral home, bus, subway, then the shuttle bus.  This is one of those things that I don’t enjoy living in Taiwan.  You have to carry everything up and down the bus and the subway, all the way to your destination.  The fruits were heavy and the food messy in plastic bags.  But I made it.

I got an extra container from the food shop and put all the food in two boxes in front of mom’s plate.  They barely fit.  I burned the incense and stood in front of her plate and said the two prayers Mr Liu gave me.  And talked to mom telling her to go quickly to heaven and don’t linger around, and don’t worry about anything.

After I got back from the funeral home, I went and got a hair cut.  Figured I won’t have much time left to get it done.  Came back to the hotel with some 花捲and ate them with some 肉鬆.  I fell asleep and it took me a lot of will power to get up and go to Serena’s.  When I was there, Nikon called and said 漢中’s daughter called him and expressed sympathy and said she’ll pay for the share her dad is supposed to pay for the funeral.  So he gave her my cell phone number and she’ll call me.  I was furious.  Just when I thought I could trust him and really appreciate what he’s done, he gave my phone number to those I don’t want to have anything to do with.

The phone rang after a few minutes and I tried not to answer it but it kept ringing.  So i picked it up and it was her.  She is in Belgin.  she repeated what she told Nikon and said some praise for mom.  She said her dad should be taking care mom’s funeral and she’s thankful that I am taking care of everything.  She also said she is willing to pay for the part her dad is supposed to share.   Yes, everything sounds good and you can’t criticize anything about her.  I told her, I really appreciate her offer and mom does too.  But everything is taken care of and the most she can do is to take good care of her family and mom would be glad.  So, in the end, she asked for my phone number or my email to keep in touch.

I did not give it to her.  I told her we can connect through Nikon.  I gave her some excuse.  The bottom line, I don’t trust her.  I don’t know the real intention behind her concern.  She spent 3 months in Taiwan living with mom a long time ago.  She didn’t like the old run down house, she ran up the phone bill for mom to pay, and she and her dad never did anything real for mom.  They just used the opportunity to come to Taiwan.  But they would give grand ideas and promises.  So I don’t trust her.

Because of this, i have to cancel this cell phone now thanks to Nikon.  He also told me the grandson also called him and it sounds like he has some displeasure about the arrangement.  Maybe because I decided to keep mom’s ashes here in Taiwan cause he wanted to get it back to China.  I don’t know and I am getting less concerned.

I didn’t write the article the older cousin asked me to write for the funeral or his publication.  We are not sending out any notice so only family members will be there at the funeral.  There is nothing I can write that they don’t already know.  And i don’t really care anyone who reads that publication to know about mom.  I don’t think anyone cares anyway.  It’s only a self-congrats for the older cousin to have things written for his publication.

It’s the big day tomorrow.  It will start early at 7am in the morning and won’t be over till the afternoon.  I hope I will remain calm.  I lost it a bit today at the funeral home realizing it’s the last meal I will ever prepare for mom.  This week, I have been able to keep my feelings at bay and I don’t want to lose that control yet.  i don’t want to deal with my feelings till i get back home.  I don’t feel safe here, I don’t trust any one.

ps. Serena took me home after dinner.  We went back to get ben ben.  And I offered to carry her on my shoulder.  We almost made it to her car when another car honk the horn at us.  The I felt some warm liquid on my arm, ben ben peed on me!  She must be frightened.  Poor thing.  I didn’t blame her, she doesn’t know me well and she was frightened by the hone.  I went back to the hotel and washed the purse and the clothes.  That’s the only funny thing that happened today.

This is the day for the 3rd 7th day ritual.  Mom’s god daughter 小花 told us she wants to host this one.  The 3rd one is supposed to be hosted by the daughters.  The schedule starts at 9:30am.  Both of us got there before 9:30.  We waited for Mr Liu and then the prayers.  Again, they were late and we didn’t start till after 10am.  We burned the incense first to mom and moved her name plate to a small temple 念佛寺.  Two more prayers were waiting there for us.  They prepared three meat dishes, chicken, pork and fish, and I think 24 small dishes of vegetables.

There are Budda statues in gold in the middle of the temple, then different tables were set up for different family to use for their rituals.  We placed mom’s name plate on one and there is another incense urn for the god that guards the death door.  They prayed for over an hour and after we threw the coins to see if mom has received the prayer, we took her plate back to the room all the plates are temporarily placed waiting for the funeral and came back and burned the paper money for her.  There are two places to burn the paper money, one for the gold money and one for the silver money.

During the breaks, Mr. Liu saw me drinking tea out of my water bottle, he told me he will give me some 普洱 which is good for losing weight.  小花 also wanted some, and Nikon said he wanted some too.  He told Liu to go back and get it then.  He came back during the next break with 3 kinds of 普洱 tea.  The big cake is for nikon which seems the best, one for me is half roasted, one for 小花 is fully roasted.  We insisted on paying, he said then it’s $500NT for each.  小花 got out $1000 and insisted on paying for it.  Nikon didn’t pay any.

After the ritual, we went to a restaurant Liu suggested for lunch.  We finally gave the money 小花 paid for the ritual back to her after Liu told her to use it to burn some paper money for mom in the future.  I hated arguing about money with her.  She is the kind that would physically push and shove the money back and forth with you.  I hated it.  I’m glad Liu provided her some excuse to take the money back.  It’s not that she really wants to pay for things, but she will put on a show for it, and if you find the way for her to step down, she will gladly take it.

At the temple, I kept feeling stings on my right foot.   After the shower the next morning, I looked at my foot and noticed some red spots on it.  So I put some mosquito itch ointment on it and got out the door to the funeral home.  When I came back in the afternoon, I looked at my foot and noticed lots of red spots on my right foot.  After counting, it’s well over 30!  The temple must be infested with fleas.  It’s built next to the mountain and its slated to be torn down soon.  My poor foot again.  Mosquitos and fleas love me.

It’s a legal day.  J’s brother came and picked me up from the hotel and took me to the registry to deregister mom, and for some legal papers.  It turned out they need another document, so we had to go back to the hotel to get it.  I really hate the Chinese legal system.  They couldn’t verify that I am here when I am standing in front of them, they have to get some document to prove that.  It’s very funny to think about it afterwards but it was very annoying when you have to travel back and forth for a silly document.

J’s attorney friend will help me complete the legal procedures with these documents.  It’s so very difficult to handle legal matters here, it seems every procedure requires tons of documents and proof of your seal, proof of your person.  yuk yuk yuk

We then went to the funeral and burned some incense for mom and had lunch together.  I was again exhausted after I got back to the hotel.  Good thing there is nothing planned for tonight.  S called and I told her I’ll go over after a short nap.  Don’t want to spend the rest of the day here in the hotel.  Don’t want to deal with the emotional stuff yet.

One more thing。  On the way to the registry, I was telling j’s brother some story about mom when the rear view mirror dropped off and startled us.  I jokingly said that mom didn’t want me to talk about her.  I don’t know if that was true, but it was a strange coincident.

Tomorrow is the 3rd 7th day ritual.  It starts at 9:30am.

Met Mr. Liu at the funeral home and he gave me the prayer beads and the prayer book in the morning.  We sat and talked for a while.  He likes to talk about the spiritual stuff and I like to know more about the Chinese traditions anyway.  It’s too bad that I can’t pray for mom in the hotel.  Maybe when I get back home I can send more prayers to her.

Spent the afternoon at S’s shop and later she and big Ben took me to dinner and dropped me off at the funeral home for the 1st 7th day ritual.  I was there a bit early and sat for a while.  Mr. Liu showed up and we still waited a bit for the prayer hall to be setup and the ritual master showed up and took mom’s name plate to the hall.  We were just about to begin, Nikon and the older cousin showed up.   I was telling the master’s helper mom’s birth and dead time and names when he called me over and told me to write up an article about mom so he can put it in the monthly club publications he edited for the people from dad’s birth place.   The master’s helper called me back to complete the paper they prepare for the ritual.  The cousin is still talking to me about that article.  I told him I haven’t written chinese for 30+ years and I don’t really know how mom and dad met and what happened in the 30 years I was away.  He insisted that I should write it for the funeral too.

We ended our talk as the master signaled that we should begin the ritual.  He burned one incense for mom and left saying that his daughter in law just had a son around dinner time.  Not that he needs to go back to take care her or anything, just an excuse to leave.  He only showed up for 15 minutes and demanded to talk regardless of the real purpose of the gathering and left before it started.

Afterwards, Mr. Liu asked if we can skip that article for the funeral as the ceremony master has to write it down with the Chinese brush pen for the ceremony.  It’s going to add a lot more complications.  So the older cousin was using the funeral as an excuse to ask me to write an article for his publication.  I don’t think I want to and I don’t think I will.

The ceremony lasted about 2 hours and ended just after 11pm.  In the Chinese time measurement, it’s the next day after 11pm.  So this ceremony covered both the 1st and the 2nd 7th day ritual.  We then burned some paper money for mom and Nikon and his wife took me home.  I got back to the hotel around midnight and they must have got home around 12:30.  Nikon’s son and one of his daughters also came and stayed for the first half of the ritual.   So we had more people behind the master as she say the prayers instead of just me.  I can’t be more thankful for their help.

I was very tired and went to sleep right away.

Older cousin called in the afternoon.  First, he asked if everything is ready and there probably isn’t anything that needs help with now.  I don’t understand if that is a question or a statement.  I told him, everything is ready, I don’t need his help.  Second, he said some of dad’s old friend wants to come to the funeral.  Nikon told me about this person who had some kind of opinion about how things should be done.  He thought we should have dad’s son come over for the funeral.  I told my cousin that it’s going to be just for family and we are not sending any notices out so the fewer the people the better.  Mom doesn’t like to bother people when she was here.  He said, well, we won’t try to tell people about the details, but if they ask about it, then we should be polite and let them know.  The obvious question is how would they get wind of this if he didn’t tell others.  I didn’t tell anybody and I barely know of this person by name.  How did he know about this?   So we agree we won’t tell people but if they ask about it, we would let them know.  Third, he asked about the 1st 7th day ritual.  He has a business dinner that night.  He said, Nikon would give him a ride to come for the ritual.  He said, he’ll be there after 9pm.  I told him the ritual starts at 8:30pm.  He said, well, we’ll probably be there after 9pm.  I said, I can call and let him know if the ritual is done before they get there so they don’t need to come for nothing.  He said, why don’t you wait for us there even after the ritual is done.  There are people who would stay at the funeral home all night for their loved ones.  I said, oh ok.  I bit my tongue and didn’t let him have it. And we hung up the phone.

He is going to tell those that may cause trouble to come to the funeral.  He doesn’t even offer to help with anything, just hinting that I shouldn’t need any of his help.  Then he won’t come to the ritual on time and yet expect me to wait for him even if the ritual is over.  Who does he really think he is.  Should mom’s spirit wait for him too at the hall after the ritual is done just because he is late?

Visited mom earlier but didn’t meet Mr. Liu.  Didn’t get the prayer beads and the prayers he told me about today.  Have to be tomorrow.  Told the realtor about mom’s passing, she said she’ll call me back .  I probably need to apply for inheritance.  Gosh, another headache there.

Sitting in the room all afternoon.  It’s getting a bit depressing.  Not good to have time to myself.  Better get out and walk about a bit.

It’s a pleasant surprise to find out S was going to stay at her shop till 9:30p.  So i went over and she ordered dinner and we ate there together with one of her old customer.  We talked and kept each other company.  She dropped me off at the hotel on her way home.  That was the day.  I was totally exhausted again and fell asleep shortly after.

Met Nikon and Mr. Liu at the funeral home, a van was provided by 福田妙囯 to take us for a visit.    It’s about 40 minutes drive from the funeral home.  Sitting on a small mountain overlooking the ocean, the building is surrounded by mountains.  There are several floors full of floor to ceiling lockers for urns and Budda statues around every corner  (we are in the Buddhist area).  The setting is very beautiful and modern.  You can get lost in it without a guide.  They are still building new areas to hold more urns on the floor we looked at.  I found their web site at http://www.futan.com.tw/landscape_c.html

They took us to the basement floor.  The floor is divided into lots of rooms full of lockers with numbers under each one.  According to Mr. Liu, mom needs one facing East.  We found one right above the eye level with a good number combination (adding the last two digits and look at the last digit of the sum, the higher the number the better but don’t use 9, it’s for the gods).  Mom’s number is 7.   We went back up to the entry hall/dining area and had the free lunch they provided for visitors.   I signed the contract after lunch and they brought us back to Taipei.  It was raining hard, so Nikon and I went to Brown’s Cafe and had a cup of coffee waiting for the rain to die down a bit.  He was telling me about the relatives in China again and how he told them he would make sure they get some money.  sigh.  that again.  I tried not to be rude and ended the awkward conversation.  Found a bus stop and took the bus back to the hotel.

S and B picked me up from the hotel after I got back and took me to 深坑 for stinky tofu.  The old street has stands and shops and restaurants on both sides.  We went to 粗茶淡飯 and ordered steamed and fried stinky tofu and 龍鬚菜.  Everything was delicious.  We were going to have tea at 貓空 but since I’m in the mourning period, one can not go up to the mountains where the spirits live, so we drove back to Taiepi and got some avacado milk drink and they dropped me off at  the hotel.

It was a full day but it is good to keep busy.  I’m very lucky to have so many nice people around to help me get through this time.  Mr. Liu is charging very little for the funeral and he has taken care of every details for us.  Can’t ask for anything more from anybody.  I will leave the dealings of the emotions for later after I get back home and have some time to go through them.

Got up early this morning before 6am.  Decided to recite the prayers for mom.  I did more than the required108 times today to make up for yesterday.  Suppose to cite it every day for 49 days–the Chinese tradition of 49 days of mourning and processing for the dead.  Don’t know much about the details and what it all means, I’m trying to ask when I can to understand more.  There are always reasons behind every ritual.

Mr. Liu told me, the 1st 7th day ritual/prayers is offered to the dead and it’ll happen on Aug. 18th at night.  The 3rd 7th day prayers is offered by the daughter, it’ll be on Aug. 20th.  I don’t know what the other 5 prayers are for and we are skipping them anyway.  S gave me the prayer for the dead and it was exactly what I needed.  She is such a mind reader.

Today, I’m to meet Nikon, his wife and Mr. Liu in a Dim Sum restaurant at 9am, to go over the details of the funeral.  Then we go to the funeral home to burn the incense for mom.  Then we go to her nursing home to collect all the stuff.  Tomorrow, I’ll start doing the legal stuff to close out all her records and accounts.

…

The business brunch was done.  All details are basically worked out for the funeral.  Tomorrow, the funeral coordinator is going to take me and Nikon to 萬里.  We are going to visit a temple for a possible place for mom’s ashes.  We went to the nursing home and got the rest of mom’s things.  Most of it were thrown away stuff, but I kept a light scarf she used in the winter time, and her magnifiers, and of course, her diary.

。。。

spent the afternoon in the hotel.  Left the room to get some food for dinner.   There are two stores that make fresh steamed buns 饅頭.  I got a green onion bun 蔥花卷, a taro bun 芋頭卷, some dried pork 海苔肉鬆, and some flavored roast pork and dried squid 尤魚絲.  Came back to the hotel, poured myself a cup of brandy, made a cup of tea and had dinner watching TV.  Nikon called to tell me not to make the final decision tomorrow just because the coordinator is his friend.  I appreciate his concern.  He’s really trying to look out for me.  I appreciate the fact that he let me make the decision of keeping mom’s ashes in Taiwan without trying to persuade me otherwise.  However, he still wants to give something to the other side and said he would let them have some of mom’s old clothes to bury with dad.  I don’t know why it’s important to do that except he needs to satisfy their request, too.  oh well.

It’s too complicated.  I don’t know who I can really trust.  I guess nobody as I can see people are looking after their own benefit after all.  As I finally get to trust Nikon a bit, he immediately found another way to let those in China have something to fulfill their wishes.  Even though he said it’s up to me to decide.

Tonight, I feel like getting drunk.  I can flip between being numb and being extremely emotional.  Tonight, I feel the emotions coming back.  I was amazed at my non-feeling when I met a lady who recognized me on the street from the nursing home and asked about mom.  I told her mom has passed away last Friday.  We talked a bit when she’s on her way to visit her mother in law in the nursing home.  I felt nothing.  But now in the hotel, I am getting sad again.  It’s an odd feeling to realize finally both my parents are gone and I am by myself.  There is no relative that I can really trust to look out for mom and me here.  Every one seems to have an agenda for themselves.

Can’t believe it’s the 2nd day after.  Feels like it’s been a while.  So many things happened since.  Where is mom?  Where is her spirit?  Does she know I do love her and care for her?  In the bottom of my heart, I feel that she has the old Chinese traditional view that daughters don’t count.  And she doesn’t really feel close to me.  All my feelings are one sided.  However, one sided or not, I will do my best, I will say the prayers for her, I will try to find her a nice resting place.  And I will think of her as my one and only mom forever.

Woke up with a raging headache.  I did not dream of mom.  If the spirit can go into heaven, the Chinese tradition will prolong it.  They won’t even start the first prayer ceremony till the 7th day and there are 7 of them.  I think this is more for the living than for the dead, it makes it easy for the living to slowly let go.  And yet they keep the spirit around by calling them and reading prayers to them.

Need to get something in the stomach first and take some pain med for the headache.  It feels like a sinus headache, better get it under control before I go to the funeral home.  It’s a long way from the hotel.  Need to take the subway.

After two tylenol and a short map, headache is better.  I can barely feel it now.  Time to get ready to go and visit mom.  After the prayer yesterday, they put the stand that has mom’s name in a room with others.  That’s where I need to go.  Also need to give the funeral planner mom’s picture to be enlarged for the funeral and Nikon’s ID copy.

…

It took over an hour to 1.5 hours to get to the funeral home.   I waited for 20 minutes before I got on the bus that takes me to the subway.   A few minutes to wait for the subway.  Subway only took about 20 minutes, but the shuttle bus from the subway to the 2nd funeral home took another 10 minutes of waiting time and 15 minutes of ride.  By the time I got to the funeral home, I was already tired.

Met Mr. Liu and gave him the info he needed, he showed me where and how to burn the incense for mom.  And we sat and talked for at least half an hour.  He also stressed that it should be my decision where to keep mom’s ashes.  He also recommended a different site to put her ashes in Taiwan that has a better view and maintenance.  I am still feeling awkward about insisting on keeping mom in Taiwan.  But I’m leaning towards that thought now.  Mr. Liu gave me a very practical advice.  He said, if your mom stays in Taiwan, there is hope that you would come back every so often to visit her and also  meet some old friends.  If she is in China, you would not have the happy feeling of coming back to your root when you visit your mom.  You probably won’t visit her ever.

Nikon called to meet him and his wife and Mr. Liu for Dim Sum tomorrow morning.  I took the chance to express my preference of keeping mom here in Taiwan.  He said he would be on my side for my decision.   Nobody would move mom without telling me first.   So if I insist on keeping mom here, they would have to respect that decision.  I think after talking to so many people, I feel more and more at ease of saying that I want to keep mom here. I believe now mom would help me too.

A good friend here gave me the prayer to cite for mom.  She is so insightful, I have been looking for such a thing since yesterday.  I have asked many people and got no answer.  She offered it out of nowhere.  I’ve been blessed since I knew her a year ago.  she is one of the 貴人in my life.  She called and took me to dinner tonight.  She and her husband have been such help in these hard times.  God has been good to me.  There is help around every corner when I thought I couldn’t make it in a difficult situation.