Got up early this morning before 6am. Decided to recite the prayers for mom. I did more than the required108 times today to make up for yesterday. Suppose to cite it every day for 49 days–the Chinese tradition of 49 days of mourning and processing for the dead. Don’t know much about the details and what it all means, I’m trying to ask when I can to understand more. There are always reasons behind every ritual.
Mr. Liu told me, the 1st 7th day ritual/prayers is offered to the dead and it’ll happen on Aug. 18th at night. The 3rd 7th day prayers is offered by the daughter, it’ll be on Aug. 20th. I don’t know what the other 5 prayers are for and we are skipping them anyway. S gave me the prayer for the dead and it was exactly what I needed. She is such a mind reader.
Today, I’m to meet Nikon, his wife and Mr. Liu in a Dim Sum restaurant at 9am, to go over the details of the funeral. Then we go to the funeral home to burn the incense for mom. Then we go to her nursing home to collect all the stuff. Tomorrow, I’ll start doing the legal stuff to close out all her records and accounts.
…
The business brunch was done. All details are basically worked out for the funeral. Tomorrow, the funeral coordinator is going to take me and Nikon to 萬里. We are going to visit a temple for a possible place for mom’s ashes. We went to the nursing home and got the rest of mom’s things. Most of it were thrown away stuff, but I kept a light scarf she used in the winter time, and her magnifiers, and of course, her diary.
。。。
spent the afternoon in the hotel. Left the room to get some food for dinner. There are two stores that make fresh steamed buns 饅頭. I got a green onion bun 蔥花卷, a taro bun 芋頭卷, some dried pork 海苔肉鬆, and some flavored roast pork and dried squid 尤魚絲. Came back to the hotel, poured myself a cup of brandy, made a cup of tea and had dinner watching TV. Nikon called to tell me not to make the final decision tomorrow just because the coordinator is his friend. I appreciate his concern. He’s really trying to look out for me. I appreciate the fact that he let me make the decision of keeping mom’s ashes in Taiwan without trying to persuade me otherwise. However, he still wants to give something to the other side and said he would let them have some of mom’s old clothes to bury with dad. I don’t know why it’s important to do that except he needs to satisfy their request, too. oh well.
It’s too complicated. I don’t know who I can really trust. I guess nobody as I can see people are looking after their own benefit after all. As I finally get to trust Nikon a bit, he immediately found another way to let those in China have something to fulfill their wishes. Even though he said it’s up to me to decide.
Tonight, I feel like getting drunk. I can flip between being numb and being extremely emotional. Tonight, I feel the emotions coming back. I was amazed at my non-feeling when I met a lady who recognized me on the street from the nursing home and asked about mom. I told her mom has passed away last Friday. We talked a bit when she’s on her way to visit her mother in law in the nursing home. I felt nothing. But now in the hotel, I am getting sad again. It’s an odd feeling to realize finally both my parents are gone and I am by myself. There is no relative that I can really trust to look out for mom and me here. Every one seems to have an agenda for themselves.
Can’t believe it’s the 2nd day after. Feels like it’s been a while. So many things happened since. Where is mom? Where is her spirit? Does she know I do love her and care for her? In the bottom of my heart, I feel that she has the old Chinese traditional view that daughters don’t count. And she doesn’t really feel close to me. All my feelings are one sided. However, one sided or not, I will do my best, I will say the prayers for her, I will try to find her a nice resting place. And I will think of her as my one and only mom forever.