It’s not a week yet since I got home. Most days I spent in oblivion trying to sleep whenever I have a chance. Maybe it’s a form of avoidance, maybe my body cries out for rest, maybe I just don’t want to deal with life yet. Friends and family have been most loving and accomodating by letting me sleep and leaving me alone and offering to listen and talk. I just feel that something is missing. Not that I have been that close to mom over the past few years, but knowing that she is here no more creates a hole in my heart. And a place I don’t want to touch or visit yet. Don’t know when I will, just know I want to look the other way.
Working has helped. I started working the first day back and after a few days of rest, I am working today and tomorrow to put some time in for September. We are leaving again in a couple of days to go to Palo Alto. Moving things for Ey before his school starts. Tagging on a week or so for some vacation time. We haven’t done any long distance traveling by car yet and this will be an interesting try. Nothing beats a total dedication with no looking back. Once we are on the road, we have to get there in 4 days or else and a flying by the seat of the pants approach is not like some 50-60 year olds. Planning is a thing of the past, right?
Still, looking forward to the Sedona stay. Maybe I’ll be willing to deal with my emotions then. Maybe not. Mindless driving should provide plenty of time to reflect.
Mourning is for the living not for the dead. Maybe that’s the thought that keeps my emotinos in check. No need to indulge in self pity. Mom just crossed the life and death line and her spirit is still near. Will she be able to hear my thoughts? Will she benefit from my silent prayers? Hope she passes through to heaven or the most happy place as Buddhism puts it in no time. The ultimate letting go. It may help if we practice a little bit here on earth to get used to the idea when the time comes and we neeed to do it for real, for life, for relationships, for materials, even for love.