A happy day

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11:43pm

Griffin speaks to me in his journal. His happiness in the silence and solitude in Merton’s hermitage fascinates me. I’m reading his entries in the winter. The fire is a central theme in the notes, it’s cold up there and the fireplace seems to be his only source of warmth. A simple life with primitive living. Maybe it is easier to get close to God that way. He often writes his waiting for the dawn in the earlier morning hours. He has great happiness when he has the reserved sacrament in the chapel in that little hermitage. Symbols make it so much easier for us to sense gods presence. I guess us humans rely a lot on our senses to experience the presence of god.

Spent the day doing things I absolutely love. New audible book, the absolute power while I ply the brown yarn while Leo watched golf in the afternoon. Looked and found a shawl pattern for the blue lace yarn and started turning the skeins to balls and knitting it while listening to the book. Finally reading the hermitage journal in bed and got totally lost in it. Leo joked again and said i should find a monastery for a retreat to get this out of my system. I might. And I feel so blessed to have a loving husband who encourages me to do things that I love to do and choose to see my good sides instead of my shortcomings.

The legal stuff still plagues me in the back of my mind. But I am much more relaxed now than a day ago . These things bother me more than anything. I get anxious and I worry. Thank god that it is at least not the center part of my life or I would go crazy.

E came home around 11 and we had a few minutes of good conversation. As the kids grow older, the relationship changes and we are still trying to find the balance where we can be comfortable with each other and still be ourselves.

Griffin often complains that he stayed up too late and missed the pre dawn time when he could do his best work. I often thought along the same line and regret that I stay up too late. But night time seems to be my most active time mentally if not physically. It will take some discipline to change my body rhythm. I do like to get up early and have the whole day in front of me instead of having only a few hours of daylight and back into the night again.

I searched and found “Follow the ecstasy” by Griffin. He was supposed to write Merton’s biography but because of health reasons didn’t and wrote this book instead. I got it from amazon and can’t wait to read it next. But now, I am totally loving his own journal. He spent the year right after Merton’s death in Merton’s hermitage drinking Merton’s tea, praying in his chapel, sleeping in his cot, reading his journals, talking to the same people Merton talked to. What a privilege! But I didnt see the photos he said he took of the hermitage, the monastery, the people etc. What a disappointment.

The hermitage journal

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After searching for the hermitage journal by John Howard Griffin in my library several times in vain, I finally ordered a used one from Amazon.  I can’t find it in the public Library or online any where.  I had it years ago and remember that I really enjoyed reading it. But of course I remembered nothing now. The book came quickly in a couple days and I am very happy to see an old friend showing up. I’ve been reading it since I got it yesterday. 

I love the total inhibition in his journal writing. He wrote honestly and descriptively.  He brought me into the humid and hot weather in august in KY and I can feel the coolness when he contrasted it in the early morning hours in that quiet darkness.  I can almost hear his typewriter clicking away. 

I also love to read his detailed documentation of his days. Why is it interesting to read that as opposed to other journals of the same method? I guess it’s the subject matter that interests me. I want to know more about the monastery life behind the doors. I like to read about it’s daily schedule to understand how they practice their belief and how they get that rhythm for contemplation.

Johns narrative fills that need exactly. He was living in Thomas merton’s hermitage experiencing Tom’s life in his surroundings getting to see, hear, and sense the same weather and views, talking to the same people, the same humid weather, the same black snake. And I get to have a glimpse of that through his words. And not only that, I also feel that I get to know Tom more as he revealed his understanding of Tom’s predicaments and his longings for a more solitary solitude. I can somehow relate to that.

I think writers need the solitude to germinate and solidify the ideas and mental discoveries and record them for others to build on. But a constant contact and interruptions will make it impossible to record and the mental process become constipated. On the other hand, the solitude is also necessary as a means to force the person to communicate via writing instead of fulfilling the need from senseless talking.

…….

Woke up early this morning when Manfred came in the room to start the morning ritual. And stayed up after begging a cup of coffee from Leo, Manfred’s way. Started reading the hermitage journal and thoughts just poured out of me. I am so lucky to have the iPad on the night stand right next to me that I can just pick it up and start typing. John would have to get out of bed and go to his typewriter, put the paper in hoping that the thoughts wouldn’t escape him by the time he is settled at the desk. Modern convenience has it’s definite advantage for us into the gadgets.

Got hooked on Leo laporte’s video casts lately. So many topics and he is so easy to listen to. Loving his job too, he gets to go to CES and macworld expo and such to see the newest and latest gadgets and technologies, try them out for free and he gets to talk to people with the same enthusiasm as he for a living. Dream job.

Now that’s the extreme contrast. A hermit and a talk show host. I am equally intrigued by both. Who am I really.

Mom’s legal matters continues to haunt me. It has been the thorn for me as I dread them and afraid to make mistakes and bring unpleasant consequences. I know they will come to an end eventually but the process nearly paralyzes me mentally.

Spinning Lace and contemplative prayer

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Just got Margaret Stove’s Spinning Lace video. After watching a bit of it, I realized that I have naturally developed my spinning technique just the same way she spins her lace yarn. Since lace yarn is what I aim to spin from the beginning, I am very happy that all on my own, I found the same way to spin a fine yarn. Of course, I still learned a few tricks from her on how to join fiber in and others, I am after all still a relatively new spinner. But I am quite happy that I found the right way to spin the lace yarn.

Watching her video has given me a desire to start from the very beginning and prepare the fleece to spin. I have been thinking that I don’t want to deal with the dirty fleece and doing the washing and carding myself. But the way she showed how she washes her fleece makes it seem so simple. I might just give it a try.

I am listening to Tessa Bielecki’s Wild at Heart. While spinning last night and listening to her book from Audible, the two activities seem to suit each other very nicely. The act of spinning can quiet the mind down and keep it in a rhythmic state that makes it easy to enter the contemplative prayer. So does knitting. I wonder if the contemplative nuns ever used this method for their prayer. Since I reread Henri Nouwen’s Genessee Diary, I am again drawn to the monastery life and reading about it. I don’t think I am ever going to adjust to the barren atmosphere in a monastery, I am too addicted to the constant stimulation of the technologies, but I am drawn to the contemplative practice and prayer nevertheless.

Bielecki has touched on an old question I had about christianity. She was telling stories about the saints, not the pious side of their lives but the human side. She talked about how some of them like certain food. She also talked about singing and dancing. I love to dance. It gives me great joy when I move my body to a favorite song. However, the stoic teaching of my early christian years, gave me doubts about the approprietness of dancing and for that matter drinking and any other kind of activities that give pleasure to our mind and body. I never was able to resolve that question. I gave up. But now after listening to her book, I wonder if I was too strict and narrow minded in my understanding of a christian life. The bible never said it’s bad to drink or dance, actually there are plenty of times when these things were mentioned. Jesus even turned water to wine at a wedding. All things are good in modesty. It’s the excessiveness that is the problem. What a revelation and a relief.

My new desk

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When E moved back in, she brought her pottery Barn desk and the only place for it is in my office if I get rid of some old furniture and make some room. After some sweat, it is finally setup. For now, it’s mine to use. I love it. Probably the best desk I ever had in my life. NO more metal file cabinet and make do dining table for a desk. So nice.

Video Capture – success

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Finally, I am able to capture old VHS tape videos into the old HP media PC. The EASYCAP was a waste of time. No matter what I tried, the video either wouldn’t show or the quality is very poor. I even purchased the Corel Video Studio Pro X3 hoping that it would help and it didn’t. The new HP I bought with the 25″ monitor already has a dead hard drive in a year and after a new hard drive with the easycap, it still cannot record the video from the VHS player.

It finally dawned on me that the old HP media PC is just sitting there and it has the TV tuner composite video input. All I need to do is to plug straight to the back of the pc and no intermediate capture device needed. I first tried to download the AVS Video recorder software to record, the video won’t show in the recording even though I can see it on the screen. So I installed the Corel Video Studio and voila! It worked!!! And the video quality is decent, better than any of the old ones I did. I am very happy. It has been a long time since I have a setup to record the old tapes between trips and dead hard drives. Now I’m ready again. Yea!!!

Henri Nouwen

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It’s almost comical, when I was browsing on Amazon for Henri Nouwen’s Genesee Diary, I discovered that I already purchased the Spiritual Journals in 2003.  How little my mind remembers, it’s scary.  I went into the library and actually found the book to my amazement.  I was ready to accept the fact that I lost the book from the move.  And promptly, I started reading it.  I remembered how fond I was of the Genesee Diary when I read it a long time ago.  I got the same feeling when I read it today.  He stirred something inside of the same chord.  Can’t point my fingers to it, but his struggles in the monastery spiritually and mentally in the first month are the same struggles I have experienced in my life.  

Human insecurity that leads to anger, frustrations and sadness.  The disproportion of the anger and the actual events shows a deeper imbalance in my own psyche than the acts I observe in others.  The need for a full, unconditional love and the faults I find in others of the smallest transgression actually reflects my own immaturity and shallowness.  When will I be able to “grow up”.  The multitude of attachment for things and people only creates emptiness and disappointments.  

I am grateful for his words and thoughts.  HIs reminding me of my own lacking and imperfection.  His humbleness in disclosing his own weakness.  My gain in realizing mine.

Prayer

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A revelation. Prayer is God speaks in me not me talking to Her. By the attention paid and time spent in prayer, we allow God to make herself known to our consciousness and for her to bring our attention to the sufferings in the world. We petition to God for mercy for the injustice and the prejudice done to our fellow human beings, not knowing it’s god who brought our attention to these matters so we can have compassion and empathy for those who are suffering.  Gods mercy is abound and she does not need me to remind her to be merciful. It is me who she tries to open the minds eyes not to dwell on our own trivial moods and needs to pay attention to others around us and in the world. To connect to the body that is god in our prayer. The body that is made of all those who has god in their center and practice the presence.

Henri opened my eyes in his diary. From his struggle, I learned about myself. And through him, god continues to talk to those that read his book.  He has made himself a vessel tho he thought he was only fighting his own spiritual battle, he is revealing god to his readers long after his physical body passed on.

New Year

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Time flies, another year is here.  No new year’s resolution as usual, they are meant to be broken anyway.  But it doesn’t hurt to try starting something new.  By chance, I stumbled on the divine office app for ipad and it reminded me of the enthusiasm for religious practice I had years ago.  Now, it’s so much easier, they put the text right in front of you with audio.  You can do the prayers in private and feel just like you are worshiping with others in the church.  I have the 4 volume breviary and actually went to Grismer’s and got the 2011 guide.  But I don’t need it any more.  Also downloaded Biblereader.  It not only has different bibles but also commentaries and concordance for purchase.  No more big volumes to haul around or flip through, a click and it’s there.  Technology does make a big difference in our lives nowadays.  Everything is easier.  Well, almost everything.

Started to get out a bit.  The cold I caught on the Palo Alto trip has finnaly lifted.  It has held me hostage for a few weeks.  When I went out a couple of days ago by myself, it felt odd but good.  I can see how people get used to staying at home and become self-imprisoned somehow.  It’s a lot healthier to get out though.  At least, that’s how I feel.  Now, how about the religious people who stay in the monasteries all the time.  What kind of mental process do they get into when they are physically confined.  It’s hard to know.  I know the prisons make the criminals crazy and it’s a punishment to be closed out of the society.  Solitude.  Is it serenity or is it punishment? 

Got some spinning DVDs and noticed that my spinning is much better and I have a better understanding of how it’s done.  So much knowledge involved in every skill.  Waiting to get more Neatby’s DVDs.  They are full of information too, providing better understanding of the stitches too.  I like them.  But they are expensive and kind of hard to get.  Either on her website or you need to look for US distributors. 

Spinning, knitting, praying, Zuma practice, dancing.  Life is full of fun nowadays. 

Talking more to Ey lately.  He suggested that we talk once a week.  I am so pleasantly surprised.  Love to be closer to the kids and be part of their lives still even though just hearing about their lives is a good thing.