Author Archives: Christine

Woke up with a raging headache.  I did not dream of mom.  If the spirit can go into heaven, the Chinese tradition will prolong it.  They won’t even start the first prayer ceremony till the 7th day and there are 7 of them.  I think this is more for the living than for the dead, it makes it easy for the living to slowly let go.  And yet they keep the spirit around by calling them and reading prayers to them.

Need to get something in the stomach first and take some pain med for the headache.  It feels like a sinus headache, better get it under control before I go to the funeral home.  It’s a long way from the hotel.  Need to take the subway.

After two tylenol and a short map, headache is better.  I can barely feel it now.  Time to get ready to go and visit mom.  After the prayer yesterday, they put the stand that has mom’s name in a room with others.  That’s where I need to go.  Also need to give the funeral planner mom’s picture to be enlarged for the funeral and Nikon’s ID copy.

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It took over an hour to 1.5 hours to get to the funeral home.   I waited for 20 minutes before I got on the bus that takes me to the subway.   A few minutes to wait for the subway.  Subway only took about 20 minutes, but the shuttle bus from the subway to the 2nd funeral home took another 10 minutes of waiting time and 15 minutes of ride.  By the time I got to the funeral home, I was already tired.

Met Mr. Liu and gave him the info he needed, he showed me where and how to burn the incense for mom.  And we sat and talked for at least half an hour.  He also stressed that it should be my decision where to keep mom’s ashes.  He also recommended a different site to put her ashes in Taiwan that has a better view and maintenance.  I am still feeling awkward about insisting on keeping mom in Taiwan.  But I’m leaning towards that thought now.  Mr. Liu gave me a very practical advice.  He said, if your mom stays in Taiwan, there is hope that you would come back every so often to visit her and also  meet some old friends.  If she is in China, you would not have the happy feeling of coming back to your root when you visit your mom.  You probably won’t visit her ever.

Nikon called to meet him and his wife and Mr. Liu for Dim Sum tomorrow morning.  I took the chance to express my preference of keeping mom here in Taiwan.  He said he would be on my side for my decision.   Nobody would move mom without telling me first.   So if I insist on keeping mom here, they would have to respect that decision.  I think after talking to so many people, I feel more and more at ease of saying that I want to keep mom here. I believe now mom would help me too.

A good friend here gave me the prayer to cite for mom.  She is so insightful, I have been looking for such a thing since yesterday.  I have asked many people and got no answer.  She offered it out of nowhere.  I’ve been blessed since I knew her a year ago.  she is one of the 貴人in my life.  She called and took me to dinner tonight.  She and her husband have been such help in these hard times.  God has been good to me.  There is help around every corner when I thought I couldn’t make it in a difficult situation.

Got to the hospital around 8:30.  They told me they need to find a new IV site.  But her left arm and hand was all swollen so they were trying to find a spot on her logs.  Finally, they gave up and decided to not change the site.  Mom’s heart beat was on around the 60s and the blood pressure was around 68 and 32.  The resident came in the room with some interns.  As I was talking to her and glanced back, I noticed that mom’s not breathing.  We gathered around her and confirmed that she has suddenly stopped breathing.  I noticed a drop of tear by her swollen right eye.   It was 9:50am.   The nurse brought a little recorder that plays the Buddhist prayers and we placed it by her pillow.  I told her to follow the Budda and let go of everything and don’t be afraid.  Her heart continued to beat till 10:14am.  And the doctor announced her death.

Three nurses came in together with the caretaker helped me change her clothes.  The caretaker called Nikon.  He got there soon after and we went and paid for her stay and got the death certificate.  The god daughter got there while we were taking care of that.  Then they moved her body to a temporary place, Nikon’s funeral arrangement friend was there and after we signed the papers, we got in his van and moved her body to the funeral home.  Three ladies cited the Buddhist prayers for her for about an hour, we burned some paper money for her and left the funeral home.  The 7th day ceremony is set for the 18th, and  the funeral is on the 23rd.  Somewhere in there there is a condensed 21st day ceremony between the 18th and the 23rd.  They told me I need to go to the funeral home every day to burn some incense for her.  The god daughter told me I shouldn’t wear sandals any more, and I should go back and wash my hair and take a shower and change my clothes.  She is the one that has all the rules.

So now I am back in the hotel.  It’s over.  Mom made it easy for me.  I don’t need to extend my stay and the relatives in China won’t have time to make it and cause troubles.  And she waited for me till I got there this morning instead of leaving last night in the middle of the night.  She must still worry about me and shed that last tear as she was leaving.

Nikon said today is Friday the 13th.   I didn’t think of it until the doctor announced the death and stated the date when I realized the unlucky day.  or should I say it’s the lucky day for mom.  She is finally done with her failing body and can move around freely now without any pain and discomfort.  She can see her beloved mother that she missed all the time.  96 years.  That’s  a long life.  And in her case, not a very happy life.  Now she has paid her dues and she is free.

Be free, be happy, my dearest mom.  I love you and I am happy for you.

Mom made another night. After they put the pressurized mask on last night, she seemed better. The monitor beeped a few times at night but nothing serious. I slept on the sleeper chair for the next bed, they didnt put a new patient in after all. And we had the room to ourselves. But we probably wont be so lucky today. Just got up around 5am and looked at the numbers, her blood pressure went up to the 90’s from the scary 60’s last evening. The oxygen level went from the 80’s to the 90’s again. Still not good but slight improvement. She was holding the glucose solution ? too and didn’t throw up.

She gave us all a big scare last night, even the resident. Mom has become a big joker, every time the doctor thought she won’t make it, she pulled through.

Nikon came before noon and brought dragon eye for me. I went back to the hotel and took a shower and a short nap and came back to the hospital again around 3:30. Mom is using the heating stand again. Both the nurse and the head nurse came to talk to me. They are all very nice. We got a new neighbor when I was out. The patient was taking a shower when I came back, the husband is wheelchair bound, the son is here too. An intern came in to do history and maybe 7 or 8 doctors came in to observe. It was quite a scene. Later they said the doctors are in training to become better advisers. They brought two dinners for them at dinner time. Not sure which is more like a patient, the wife who had a fever or the husband who could hardly walk.

Mom is still hanging on. I was by her side when she opened her bad eye and I started to talk to her, she held her eye on me for a while and seemed to understand someone close is near her. That brought tears to my eyes. And the caretaker told me not to cry in front of her, I told her she already closed her eyes so she didn’t see it.

I will stay till around 10pm and go back to the hotel tonight since the room is already quad occupied right now. I might need to move the flight back for at least another week if mom hangs on. No point to go back again, she really won’t last too long.

My fingers are swollen again. The usual phenomenon for me when I am in Taiwan.

I ended up leaving around 8pm.  Mom’s breathing has added a gurgly sound.  It’s hard for me to sit next to her bed and listen to it.  And the room was over occupied.  There are only 2 beds and 2 sleeper chairs in the room.  The neighbor’s got 3 people on their side.  The sick mom in the bed, the elderly wheel-chair bound dad in the sleeper chair, and the son sleeping sitting in the wheel chair.  It looked like they are going to all stay there for the night.  So there are 6 people in the double room and mom has 3 machines and a heat lamp around her bed.  I have a problem with crowds so it was giving me claustrophobia. I should have taken the single room.

Got back to the hotel around 8:30 and had a bit of brandy and passed out by 10:30 I think.  But it was not a good night.  Woke up around 12:30 thinking it was close to the morning.  Then around 3am, a lady woke me up in the hall way.  She was trying to get her drunk husband to their room but he was probably laying on the floor trying to sleep.  So she yelled and clapped and making efforts to get him up and into the room.  Her talking startled me awake.  Tried to go back to sleep but it was hard with her making noises right outside the door, unfortunately, my room is right in front of the elevator and their room is next to mine.  I finally called the desk and asked them to help these two.  I think she managed to get her husband in the room before the help arrived.  The disadvantage of living in a hotel, I guess.

Mom took a dive when I came in this morning. Her blood pressure is very unstable. Nurse put the pressurized breathing on and the ekg? To monitor her heart rate and breathing. The attending came in and said these are expected signs due to her kidney’s total failure.

I declined the single room safteer all. It is $100 US a day. I almost changed my mind again. I struggle between wanting to have the peace and quiet for mom and the expenses. I also have concerns for the neighbor. What would they feel if mom leaves on the next bed. Well, I declined the single room offer. So we will just deal with whatever happens.

The caretaker told me one of the night nurse came to our room and sat and talked to her last night. She wanted to tell me about the praise the nurse was giving her. But all I can think of is to tell her to try to be quiet and stop bringing people in. I want to but I don’t want to offend her either.

I finally told her to lower their volume or step outside when one of her friends showed up again and they were talking and laughing and when the nurse tried to talk to me we had to raise our voice to hear each other. I just couldn’t stand it any more. She apologized and went ousted the room. I heard other people showed up, it was her boss and they talked for a while before she came back in.

Mom’s blood pressure has been low today and the blood oxygen dropped too. The resident said it may not be long, maybe today or tomorrow.

Nikon came around noon, chi lee and his wife also came this afternoon. I am a bit tired now, still have a bit of jet lag. Got up at 3am this morning and wasn’t able to fall back to sleep after that. The new neighbor moved to the cheaper room. And I asked the resident if they can leave it empty for now. She didn’t come back to let me know whether it’s ok. So far, no new neighbor.

This day continues. Decided to stay in the hospital tonight. The doc said it could be tonight or tomorrow. They put the pressurized mask on again for mom. Her oxygen level is up again. She is hanging on.

It was a busy day.  I visited mom in the hospital in the morning, she had a quiet night.  They put a heating lamp stand at the end of her bed and used it to warm her at night.  Her temperature was low.  Otherwise, she looked the same.  I went to the bank and checked the accounts and changed the address.  Went to the cell phone store and changed the plan.  Got back around noon.  Mom’s the same. 

When i was at the cell phone store, I discovered mom’s health Insurance ID is missing.  They use that as a form of identification.  I started tracking it after lunch.  First, I called the nursing home, they said they don’t have it.  I asked the nurse station, they don’t have it.  I went to all the lost and found in the hospital, they don’t have it.  I went to the emergency room, they said they already gave it back.   A clerk was nice enough to print out the receipt for me and it showed that the caretaker in the emergency room signed for it and yet when the nursing home found her, she said she didn’t get it. 

Head nurse said we need to go and re-apply for one.  We will need it when mom checks out.  Nikon came to the hospital when I was talking to her.  He said, let’s go and get it now.  He happened to drive his car yesterday to the hospital, so he dropped me off at the health dept building and I went up with mom’s id and mine.  It didn’t take too long, about 30 minutes.  At least, that part was painless, they were efficient and it seems to be a usual situation.  They checked your IDs and print out a new card for you.  My number was 641.  Could it be there were 600 people went through yesterday?  Possible.

Nikon dropped me back at the hospital and went home.  He volunteers for his community, and he was on duty last night.  The caretaker left after lunch and said she needed to go and get some things.  She said it’ll tkae about 2.5 hours.  She asked the caretaker of the next bed to watch mom for her since our neighbor checked out around noon.  She called around 4:15 and said she needed to take her daughter to the doctor and would be late.  Finally, she called around 5pm and said she was back.  She went home and brought lots of food (including raw eggs and fresh vegetables) from home.  They were eating goodies when I got back to the room 15 minutes later.

This caretaker is an experienced one and even the nurse trusts her and have her train the nurse intern on how she flips mom and how to clean her.  However, she is nosiy.  She complained to me that the neighbor’s nurse have other caretaker friends come and visit with her.  She said she never talk to other caretakers.  However, she has a friend that delivers business cards for her agency to all big hospitals that came and use her as a station in this one.  The friend came a couple of days ago.  She came again while the caretaker was gone in the afternoon and left her purse.  Then she came back when the caretaker was back and stayed and talked and ate with her for at least an hour.  They were noisy and loud and busy talking and eating.  I noticed she hadn’t put the creme the doctor prescribed for the bruises on mom’s arms, so I started putting it on.  She came over and told me she already did that, and i shouldn’t put it on again.  Then she realized she didn’t.  I knew, because the tube was sealed when I opened the box.  She then took over and put it on.  I was trying to talk to mom when I got back in the afternoon, but she kept talking to me and interrupting me on food she cooks in the hospital and such. 

Maybe I am too nice to these caretakers, they all seem to take advantage of  the situation and become bold and assuming.   Last time, the caretaker learned how to knit socks from me and practically asked me to buy yarns for her.  At least, she stayed in the hospital the whole 20 days and didn’t ask to go for a break for a few hours.  I guess you have to put up with some of the nusances of having help.

One of the nurses told me there is a single room coming up the next day.  But the head nurse seemed to think not.  I guess I’ll find out when I get there today.   Fell asleep exhausted around 10 and woke up at 3am.  Couldn’t go back to sleep so it’s the best time to write and keep some record of what’s happening. 

Mom’s situation seemed to have got better yesterday afternoon.  They put the feeding tube back in and gave her some sugar water to see if her system can take it.  Her temperature raised from 34.9 to 35.3.  I was cheering when the nurse looked at me funny.  I know it’s still low but it’s an improvement.  She seemed closer to consciousness also, moved her arms, screwed up her face to show discomfort, and breathed with more effort.  I was trying to talk to her then but the caretaker kept interrupting me and wanted to talk to me.  It was a bit annoying.  Generally, I like to be quiet but she is talkative and loud.  sigh.

I got a dinner box with roast duck and had a little bit of brandy with dinner in the hotel room.  Maybe that’s why I quickly fell asleep after dinner, the busy day also had something to do with it.

Nikon said the older cousin called and asked him what to do now that mom seems to be getting stable.  Nobody knows what to do.  I can stay for at most 30 days, I will have to change the itinerary for the flight back in that case.  Or I’ll have to get out of the country and come back in to get another 30 days.  But no one knows what’s going to happen.  We’ll have to wait and see i guess.  Life is unpredictable.

It’s been 3 days since I came back.    Mom’s condition remains the same.  Unconscious, bleeding in the bladder, breathing oxygen through the mask, weak and cold.  She pulled out the IV and bled through two blankets and the bedding before the caretake discovered it in the middle of the night.  By the morning when I got there, her arm was all bruised up from their attempts at finding a usable site for the IV again.  Her vessels have got so tiny and hard to find now, it’s a miracle to be able to find one that the IV can send the nutrients in. 

They forgot to turn on the rinse for the bladder so they had to manually inject and suction the bladder to get the blood clod out so it won’t plug the bladder in the afternoon.  The attending came around 5pm with some students, they stayed at mom’s bed side and observed with her making comments on mom’s symptoms.  Even with a daughter in the medical school, I feel like an experiment when the crowd gathered around mom’s bed, observing in medical terms. 

The head nurse came in the afternoon also and talked to me for a while.  Telling me to talk to mom even though she is unconscious, because the hearing is the last to go she said.  The nurse pulled me aside in the morning to tell me mom showed signs of failing, the shallow breathing and the little urine (not knowing they forgot to turn the rinse on).  The attending said I am the miracle drug for mom.  She was doing poorly last week until I came back, then she got stable.   小花，mom’s god-daughter came in the afternoon, she said it’s hard to find a ‘good’ date forfuneral because mom is a ‘tiger’.  She said I should put on the socks and shoes for her when we dress her.  So many traditions, i would rather not know any.

I asked for a single room for mom, we are still on the waiting list.  The caretaker for the neighbor is loud on her phone, she sings, she has other caretaker visitors.  I share the sleeper chair with our caretaker and feel I’m intruding.  It’s her bed at night, it’s her ‘station’.  I wish we have a bigger room, more chairs, and less noise with the door closed.   God willing. 

I’m in a dilima.  I want to pray for mom.  But do I pray to the budda that she believes in or to the christian God that I am close to?  It’s a test of my own belief.  I always believe in a higher being whether it be the buddist gods or the christian god, or the moslim’s god.  I learned to pray to the christian god, and now I’m at a loss how to pray to that higher being I believe is the same for all.  Isn’t that ironic.  I just realized I am still bound by the divides human in our finite wisdom made to help us understand the spiritual plane.  It doesn’t matter which kind of prayer or which god we pray to, ‘they’ don’t care.  It’s one of the many means to reach them/it/him/her.   The right one is the one that helps us ‘feel’ that connection to them.

Exhausted and got back to the hotel early.  Went to slepp probably before 9.  Woke up at 1am.  And haven’t been able to fall back to sleep.  The morning is here.  It’s going to be a struggle again in the afternoon.

It’s almost 4 weeks since I left Taiwan to go home. Im back again. In the same hospital, a different floor. Going through jet lag right now. Feel like I’m in a fog. Mom is finally sleeping after fussing for a while. The lump on her eye has got redder and bigger. She can’t eat, she can’t urinate. It’s hard for her to breathe. The doctors are amazed at how long mom has lasted under her situations. They thought I won’t be able to see her again.

It’s hard to watch her suffer like this. I don’t like to wake her up and see her struggling to breathe and appear to be very uncomfortable. Sometimes the nature is cruel.

Cousin called and said mom is back in the hospital.   He was going out of town so it was a few days of agonizing over what’s happening.  He called this morning and said she is stable and they are transferring her out of ICU.  It is a relief and yet it’s not. 

Talked to the neighbor yesterday, we shared a bottle of Parduchi.  And she said, for some people it seems that it takes a while for them to process their lives before they pass away like her mom.  Her mom was in a semi-awake state for a while too, and she said her mom was mentioning names of the dead relatives and once she was making pie.  So could it be that we have to re-live our lives in that state before we can pass on?  Is it what people describes as the out-of-body experience?  No one knows.  But it is something for the living to ponder.

So maybe mom is doing the processing now.  As long as she is out of it while she does that, I would feel more at peace.  The nurses like to shake and wake her to see if she is arousable which disturbs her process probably if that’s the case.  I hope she can process it fast and move on and out of the failing and suffering body.  Is it bad for me to think that?

Mom was sent to the emergency roon and then ICU and then the infectious disease ward.  I took a month’s leave from work and stayed at her bedside in the hospital for a month.  I liked the time when she was unconscious more than when she was semi awake.  She lookd peaceful when she was out of it but moaned and uncomfortable when she was semi awake.

I don’t think I could take it more than 4 weeks I took off.  It was unbearable to see the doctors or the nurses poke her or stuck tubes in her.  I ran out of her room every time they came in to ‘help’ her in that way.   For some reason, she did not want to acknowledge me either when she was semi-awake.  I felt bad for her when they hurt her, I felt bad when she ignored me.  I felt bad when the relatives pushed me to make hard decisions or told me what they think I should do with her money.  I felt stressed out the whole time. 

Thank god for friends.  Even friends I made a year ago treated me nicer and more honest than those relatives.  The relatives expected rewards or undeserved respects.  I, in my American ways of thinking, did not think they deserve any such thing.  But I was too timid to give them the piece of my mind.  So i suffered, biting my tongue, worrying if i would blow up and show disrespect, and I drank in my hotel room and ate way too much.

I brought 3 extra pounds back.  My stress and depression is still with me after a week.  I feel that noone really understands what I had gone through and I can’t really tell anyone how I feel.  I’m stuck between the American way and the Chinese traditions.  How ridiculous.