The dreaded news came from an evening overseas call.  Cousin said they found lumps on the left armpit and between the leg and stomach.  He said mom is not complaining about any pain but the lumps are tender to the touch.  The doctor wanted to do a biopsy and have her stay in the hospital for four days to determine if it’s her breast cancer spreading or something else.  He wanted me to make the decision of what to do next.

Talked to E and she gave me more information on breast cancer, its diagnosis and how to treat it and what the prognosis.  At 96, nothing sounds promising or appropriate.  She’s exhausted just from an outing to the doctor’s office, can’t put her through biopsy, cuts, and or chemo.  So that means do nothing and just wait.

I know it’s coming some day.  But I’m still not ready to deal with it.  Knowing it’s getting close to the end is hard.  It just depletes all the energy and motivatino to deal anything in my own life.  The brain wants to wander instead of focusing on what I should do next.   Forcing it to function only works for a short time and tires me out soon.  I am between the determination to do what I can do and let go of what I can’t control and the total pessimistic giving up trying.

Serena is great for being a friend of new acquaintence from last year.  She is already finding prospective places to stay for less within a day’s notice.  And she sent hilarious pictures told me to laugh no matter what happens in life.  There are angels in the world.

The financial matters, the travel arrangements, the emotional ups and downs, too much to do and no motivation to get any of them done. 

Amazing how things in life affect your mood and energy.  It’s all in the brain and yet we have little power to control our behaviors and thoughts.

Moved my site to HostGator from IXWEBHOSTING.  It’s cheaper and the php works first try for sending email.  Immediately notices the difference of the two hosts.  Like HostGator so far.  Their support staff is very good also.  You don’t need to repeat the same basics stuff to get to the needed answers.

Moved this blog from my own site to wordpress.com also.  I don’t need to upgrade the app when a new one comes up (it’s not difficult, just a nag), and I don’t need to worry about moving it when I change ISPs either.  That’s a great plus.

Life has been a bit on the down side lately.  But it’s going up in the right direction again.  Why should there be these snags in life that bring your spirit down and make you a worse person I don’t know.  But positives beget positives.  Just need to be on the right whirling direction, up not down.   Life is short and make sure you have more positive moments and keep those down ones to the minimum.

Bought Gina Trapini’s “Upgrade Your Life: The Life Hacker Guide” on Kindle and have been reading it and trying out the various tools and utilities she talks about in her book.  It’s a geek’s handbook on how to make the most out of your computer.  My kind of book.  There are so many tricks and tips and free software mentioned, it’s going to be hard for me to even remember all of them.  So there should be a weekly review on the GTD to go through her hacks and remember to check the backup or learn to use the software I’ve downloaded while reading her book and put them to conscious and good use.  It’s a wonderful book, I would recommend it to anyone who is a tip and trick addict like me.

Actually, I should say a day at Marriot in Chicago.  E is taking her whole day oral exam today and I volunteered to accompany her.  We got here with no incident.  Ey used his premium membership and reserved a room for us, it is in the Conciere’s floor that comes with free dinner and breakfast and freshly brewed Starbucks coffee machine.  After we got here, we realized the test center is on the other side of the parking lot, a 5 minute walk if that.  Great!  We looked in the dining room and found hotdogs and some beef sitting in a pot of liquid.  Not very appitazing.  We talked to the conciere and decided to go out.  He recommended Harry Carey about 2 miles away.  We took a cab and had a great dinner there.  The waitor, Robert, is from Poland and he’s quite funny actually.  He approved our selections for dinner and chastised us when we wanted to order dessert while our leftovers are wrapped up in bags.  But all in all, it was good food and good company.  Finally had a chance to talk to E.  It seems lately we never had time to sit down for a one-on-one talk.  This was a great catch up dinner.

I walked her over this morning to the test center and came back to the room, did some knitting and found that I brought the wrong color of yarn for the lace project.  And I need a separate needle for the edging.  So I took a short nap, maybe just a closed-eye rest and checked out the room.  Came down to the lobby and fired an email to L.  It was a big mistake to not have the right thing for knitting.  With all the stuff I brought, knitting is the thing that keeps my hands busy while listening to the ebook.

For weeks I have been thinking about redoing my office.  After months of neglect, the yarns are spilling over the bins, the VCRs scattering the floor, and one look around the room, I lose the motivation to even try to straightening things up.  It’s way too clutered with inadequate storage and unwanted furniture strewn the otherwise perfect space.  But no matter what I do, I can’t come up with a plan to reorg the space.  I talked to L and he made a great suggestion.  Move the dresser in the guest room that is empty and not used in for storage.  It looks good and it has lots of drawers in different sizes for a perfect storage unit.  Then we’ll get a Pottery Barn L shaped computer desk with file cabinets to host my computer and the soon to be organized files.  I’m excited and motivated all over.

Right away, L helped me moved the dresser that weighs a ton into the office.  I cleared out the plastic bins and the falling apart computer stand and I’m ready to go.  I reorganized my yarns and seperate the left overs from the fresh new ones.  Even the notions and little tools have a drawer to live in by themselves.  I used one side for video tapes and DVDs so I can view them and make clips from them.  The other side I have my PC supplies and in the middle my yarn stash.  A TV sits on top of the dresser.  But then it occurred to me that I can use the old PC as a media center and its 22″ monitor the TV.  After several hours of mucking with the WMC and one great post that solved the IR receiver setup and the channel changing problem, it’s now ready to record any TV shows and if I want to, burn them onto DVDs.  Yea!!!!

Next, I am working on the new Windows 7 PC to use the USB to video dungle so I can convert my VCR dance tapes into clips that I can put on my iphone to learn.  And to order the PC desk to complete the makeover. 

One thing lead to another, I started working in the basement storage area too.  Bought several more plastic bins with drawers and organized all the audio, video, PC cables and gadgets and stuff.  May need more to continue the organization of the basement.  We have not started on that project since we moved in almost 3 years ago.  It’s time!

Feeling much better already and the office is already getting in shape.  I’m very pleased!!

Got up early today after a sleepy Sunday yesterday. It seemed like I never fully woke up the whole day. L was even concerned and ask if I was ok. This morning though I woke quite early and couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and got a cup of coffee and started reading ‘Making it all work’ by David Allen.

I have been reading about gtd for a long time. And tried several times to implement it into my daily life with little success. I know the system works if only I could find an implementation that is natural to me. I liked the paper organizer a long time ago and it worked for me for a while. But the technology grabbed my attention and I found it much easier to enter stuff into a computer than writing it down on paper. However, I don’t always have Access to a computer at my fingertips. Even now typing this on my iPhone is a pain with my long fingernail. Ugggg. So I got out of the practice of capturing thoughts as they come up and things get out of whack pretty quickly. And I’m off the gtd wagon.

There has to be a way to easily capture inputs on the go into a central place to be processed regularly. And there needs to be a way to combine the papers and the electronic input in a related manner so I can cross reference them easily.

Being organized is the goal. And I’m still trying to figure out a way to get there.

It’s L’s de-saudi-ization vacation.  We spent a week in Punta Cana’s Majestic Elegance.   Compared to Windhm in Cozumel, this one has a much better beach and the suite in the Adults only section is also better.  We can see the beach from our room (a junior suite) and we can sit out on the patio to read and just vege out.  The room service is free and the food is good.  It also has a elegance club lounge that provides snacks and drinks at all times plus internet access and a printer.  A conciere is always on duty too.

We had a relaxing week doing nothing more than eating, drinking, reading, sleeping, dancing and for me knitting.  That was the best part.  Food is plentiful and we can pig ourselves out any time.  Drink is free and flowing if you want it 24/7.  Most of the staff is friendly, some are cheerful.  But after a few days, you do want new things other than the 100 items that offer in the 6 restaurants.  Can we be greedier?  But really, you get steaks, hamburgers, pastas, sea food, etc.  All the standard food things you can think of, but they taste the best OK and not great.  They don’t have top shelf liquor, they hide absolute and Doers under the counter and only bring them out if you ask for them.  But I think that’s normal in any resort.

The one thing that down grade this hotel for me is their business ethics which showed up when they messed up our reservation and gave us a junior suite instead of the ocean front suite.  I think they overbooked for the week and they attempted to put us in a junior suite with no view of the ocean after a 30 minute wait for the room.  When we inquired about the ocean view, they made us wait for an hour and a half more and moved up directly up 2 floors so we can see the ocean but alas, it’s still not the suite we booked for.  At this point, they didn’t say anything and we thought it was what we booked.  On the 3rd day, they called us and said we are gettting 2 25-minute massages for each of us but we had to go down and sign a paper with our passport numbers.  When we got down and read the letter, we finally realized that they gave us the less expensive suite and wanted to make sure we are not going to pursue any legal actions by offering the massages only.  I declined the offer and said we would rather move to the correct suite.  That’s how they came back with another offer to refund the difference with the free massages.  We did sign the letter and got the free massages.  But now we are dealing with the travel agency we signed up for the resort to get the refund.  And that’s a hassle.

So this ordeal puts a black mark on this resort for me.  If they are truly the 5 star resort, they should have offered the refund and then the free massage would be accepted with gratitude.  But they tried to use the free massage as the compensation (the cheapest service on the sheet for their spa) and stressed that we can use any other service in the spa but we had to pay for the difference.  That gave me a bad taste in the mouth and put a tint on everything else they offered there.  Instead of fixing the mistake, they tried to dodge the expense too. 

Punta Cana is obviously poor outside the resorts.  So there is not much ‘town’ to go out to.  Fortunately, this resort offers nightly entertainment outside with a band and staff to dance with the guests.  It jazzes up the night instead of pigging yourselves out and go back to your room to sit some more.  L and I got to dance a lot when we were there and L said he was beginning to truly enjoy dancing for the first time.  He was true to his words and volunteered to participate in any dancing activities we happened on.   It may also have to do with the amount of alcohol he consumed at the time.  He went overboard one night but fortunately no hangovers the next day.  I ‘worked’ the bar one night letting myself go and talked to the bartenders and the guests around the bar, joking and got some free peanuts for us.  I have to thank S for her training in the earlier years we went out together.  She is a master at striking up conversations with the bartenders and strangers around us and have a great time at it.  I can only do that once in a great while when my mood is right.

The trip back was a nightmare.  We spent about 3 hours at the Punta Cana airport getting our boarding pass.  They were not efficient at all at the counter and the ride that took us to the airport dropped us at the wrong terminal and we got to the wrong lines couple of times before we finally stood in the airline lines to get our boarding pass.  And we just cleared the custom check point before we realized that we were standing at the end of the line that is heading towards our plane already. 

So we had a light breakfast, no lunch, had to clear the custom and got picked to have our luggages checked and went through the security check again before we got to our gate and got our boarding pass for the flight home.  We were hungry and L went and got some Wendy’s food, but they forgot to give him the drink.  That set him off finally and broke his watch band yet again.  He had to finish his chili on the plane as they were boarding by the time we got our food. 

So the travel was horrendous, the hotel was good but not great, the weather was OK for the most part but overcast and windy for a few days.  I can only say it was an OK vacation, not a great one.   I was ready for some R&R time, I guess I had better expectations for it than what we got.  but I am glad we did it and it broke the winter blues at least.

I am glad we are home now.  Life is back to normal, pets are sleeping around me again at night.  I have better programs to watch and knit too.  Time to plan our next trip.  Ha ha.

I was in my usual hair saloon getting a hair cut and coloring a couple of days ago.  I brought my WIP sock to knit while I sit and wait for the color to set.   As I was happily knitting away thinking how smart I was to remember bringing my knitting to pass the boring time.  My hairdresser came up and tried to be friendly and said, ” I think knitting is such a good activity for the old people.”  That got my antenna up.  She contineud, “You know, when you get old, your eye sight is going and your brain is going.  Not to say that you are old, you know.  But knitting can keep the brain engaged and keep your fingers moving and help your eyes, too”  Well, ok, the helping the eyes part obviously doesn’t make sense.  But hey, how dare of her to categorize knitting as an ‘old ladies’ activity!!!  Not that I’m getting old (besides the point that I need coloring to cover my gray), ha, I like knitting because it fulfills my need to create and watch something useful or beautiful grow from nothing.  Why should this be only for the old people.  I know lots of young(er) people are doing it.  My son’s girl friend in her 20s wants to learn how to knit. 

So people, don’t call knitting an old lady’s activity to keep them from going senile, ok?  !!

stepping down from the soap box….

This week has been a whirl wind of getting back in touch with old friends from a long time ago.   A friend from middle school called out of the blue saying that she got my number from a class reunion for our middle school in Taiwan.  It took a couple of phone tags for us to finally talk on the phone.  It was strange listening to a mature voice and trying to match that to the image I had in my head when she was 15 or 16.  But it didn’t take long for us to fall back  to the time when we were both innocent and remembering the special things we did together.  Wow!

I always think I am a loner.  I don’t like to be part of a big club or a member of a famous group.  I’d rather hang out with one or two friends knowing that I don’t have to put on a different face or say things I don’t mean.  And I’m ok with that.  This phone call though has suddenly changed everything.  I am a member of a group, a group that I belong to not by choice but by chance.  And we went through 3 years of intensive studying and learning together.   We were all so innocent and ready for life.

She went through some hardships as she grew up.  I can hear the sadness that was brought out by this class reunion.    She didn’t have time to feel when she was young as she was striving to make a living for her and her family, but this reunion suddenly threw her back to the beginning of her struggling years.  She said she was crying the next morning when she got up.  It also made me sad.  I told her she was mourning for that innocent girl.  I am too.  The time between that girl and the woman I am now is too much to absorb all at once.

Life has treated us well at this stage of our lives.  But we went through some hard times either by our own fault or by circumstances.  Sitting at 50s and looking back at 15 is a mind boggling thing to do.

I also got an email from another old friend back in Taiwan since then.  All of a sudden, I have two new old friends in my life.  It kind of makes me feel good cause I do have friends near and far.  Now that our parents are old and feeble, our kids are grown, is it the reason we appreciate getting connected again with our childhood friends?  Is it a way for us to finally connect all the dots together and make it complete?  I don’t know.  But it sure feels weirdly good.

The day after Christmas I started feeling sick.  After E left to go back to Cinci, I went home to take a nap.  And there started my 2 week long holiday flu.  The first week, I was running a fever with a very sore throat.   Nyquil was my constant companion.  I got a couple of hours or sleep then woke up with cold sweat feeling chilly at the same time.   It’s a weird feeling to be sweating and cold like the body couldn’t decide what it wants to do or feel.  I kept the nyquil vigil up for the week.  But I still managed to get up and walk Benny when it’s time.  Em came over and made turkey noodle soup and walked Benny a few times in the afternoon.  I was able to get up in the morning and bundled up to get out in the cold (never fails that was the time it got really cold and snowy) with Benny.  This gave me serious doubt that I should keep a dog as I get older.  Although they are such great companions ready to give you love and attention whenever you want it, it’s the sick time and the cold weather that makes it so difficult to keep a dog.  And since Ey is so allergic to cats, I should not have cats either.  Benefits and disadvantages of having pets.

By the second week, I was tired of the cold and ready to feel better.  But I wasn’t feeling better, the cold dragged on.  I still had a bit of fever and now sore throat turned into scratchy throat and I started coughing too.  I ran through a whole box of puffs in a few days with the constant nose blowing.  Oh, it was awful.  Then I remembered the nose irrigation thing I got for Ey to clean out his sinuses.  So I went out and got a neti pot and started rinsing my nose out.  I think that really did help speeding up the recovery.  At least I was able to clear the junk out instead of letting it drain down my thraot and settle in my lung like it always did in the past when I have a cold.  I would be couging for weeks afterwards.  Sometimes it turned into like an asthma attack where I couldn’t stop coughing.  This time I believe with the help of the neti pot, I don’t have as much drainage down the throat and I didn’t cough that much and it didn’t last as long.  Although it’s the 12th and I’m still coughing occasionally and blowing my nose occasionally, it didn’t turned into an all out war of coughing uncontrollably.

I think it was 1/1 that was the turning point for my cold.  New Year’s Eve was the worst.  I did not have any energy left and I was feeling desparate and exhausted.  I even called for help and asked Jake to come and walk Benny that afternoon.  I spent half an hour desparately trying to figure out who I can call for help.  Couldn’t reach Em, can’t call anybody else that I think isn’t a big bother on New Year’s Eve to come and walk the dog.  Finally, I called Jake.  And he is such a sweet and kind man, he came right over and walked Benny and that was it.  Didn’t hesitate for a second.  Such a nice young man.

Even after I went through the cold, I’m still not a believer in the vaccine.  Now after I watched the Taiwan news about a 10 year old kid who died after the vaccine in a month, i deepend my mistrust in the shots.  I know it does help a lot of people, I still can’t bring myself to go and get one.

Yesterday, I watched Dr. Oz and he was advocating multivitamin, Fish Oil and D.  It reminded me of taking my vitamin pills and my calcium pills every day.  I really, really need to establish the habit of taking them now.  Especially my bone density test showed the symptoms of pre osteo.  I’m so bad at taking care of the body.  It’s time really to take it seriously.  So I can enjoy life to the fullest without hinderance from the cold or flu…