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It’s almost comical, when I was browsing on Amazon for Henri Nouwen’s Genesee Diary, I discovered that I already purchased the Spiritual Journals in 2003.  How little my mind remembers, it’s scary.  I went into the library and actually found the book to my amazement.  I was ready to accept the fact that I lost the book from the move.  And promptly, I started reading it.  I remembered how fond I was of the Genesee Diary when I read it a long time ago.  I got the same feeling when I read it today.  He stirred something inside of the same chord.  Can’t point my fingers to it, but his struggles in the monastery spiritually and mentally in the first month are the same struggles I have experienced in my life.  

Human insecurity that leads to anger, frustrations and sadness.  The disproportion of the anger and the actual events shows a deeper imbalance in my own psyche than the acts I observe in others.  The need for a full, unconditional love and the faults I find in others of the smallest transgression actually reflects my own immaturity and shallowness.  When will I be able to “grow up”.  The multitude of attachment for things and people only creates emptiness and disappointments.  

I am grateful for his words and thoughts.  HIs reminding me of my own lacking and imperfection.  His humbleness in disclosing his own weakness.  My gain in realizing mine.

A revelation. Prayer is God speaks in me not me talking to Her. By the attention paid and time spent in prayer, we allow God to make herself known to our consciousness and for her to bring our attention to the sufferings in the world. We petition to God for mercy for the injustice and the prejudice done to our fellow human beings, not knowing it’s god who brought our attention to these matters so we can have compassion and empathy for those who are suffering.  Gods mercy is abound and she does not need me to remind her to be merciful. It is me who she tries to open the minds eyes not to dwell on our own trivial moods and needs to pay attention to others around us and in the world. To connect to the body that is god in our prayer. The body that is made of all those who has god in their center and practice the presence.

Henri opened my eyes in his diary. From his struggle, I learned about myself. And through him, god continues to talk to those that read his book.  He has made himself a vessel tho he thought he was only fighting his own spiritual battle, he is revealing god to his readers long after his physical body passed on.

Time flies, another year is here.  No new year’s resolution as usual, they are meant to be broken anyway.  But it doesn’t hurt to try starting something new.  By chance, I stumbled on the divine office app for ipad and it reminded me of the enthusiasm for religious practice I had years ago.  Now, it’s so much easier, they put the text right in front of you with audio.  You can do the prayers in private and feel just like you are worshiping with others in the church.  I have the 4 volume breviary and actually went to Grismer’s and got the 2011 guide.  But I don’t need it any more.  Also downloaded Biblereader.  It not only has different bibles but also commentaries and concordance for purchase.  No more big volumes to haul around or flip through, a click and it’s there.  Technology does make a big difference in our lives nowadays.  Everything is easier.  Well, almost everything.

Started to get out a bit.  The cold I caught on the Palo Alto trip has finnaly lifted.  It has held me hostage for a few weeks.  When I went out a couple of days ago by myself, it felt odd but good.  I can see how people get used to staying at home and become self-imprisoned somehow.  It’s a lot healthier to get out though.  At least, that’s how I feel.  Now, how about the religious people who stay in the monasteries all the time.  What kind of mental process do they get into when they are physically confined.  It’s hard to know.  I know the prisons make the criminals crazy and it’s a punishment to be closed out of the society.  Solitude.  Is it serenity or is it punishment? 

Got some spinning DVDs and noticed that my spinning is much better and I have a better understanding of how it’s done.  So much knowledge involved in every skill.  Waiting to get more Neatby’s DVDs.  They are full of information too, providing better understanding of the stitches too.  I like them.  But they are expensive and kind of hard to get.  Either on her website or you need to look for US distributors. 

Spinning, knitting, praying, Zuma practice, dancing.  Life is full of fun nowadays. 

Talking more to Ey lately.  He suggested that we talk once a week.  I am so pleasantly surprised.  Love to be closer to the kids and be part of their lives still even though just hearing about their lives is a good thing.

Went to CA with Em for her interviews.  It turned out to be more of an ordeal for me than expected.  The driving was too hectic for me.  I had to immediately get into a ready for battle mentality as soon as I entered the highway.  The old ohio lay back driving style will never work there.  And it’s almost to a science for merging in and changing lanes.  I compare the two kinds of driving and termed the CA driving to be the professional kind and the OH driving, the amature kind.  I don’t want to be in that state all the time when I’m driving.  So it was too stressful for me.  Maybe if I live there, I would get used to it.  But for occasional visits, it’s too much for me.

E’s itnerviews all went well.  Some even asked her what would it take to get her to work there.  She is an outstanding student and she should not have any problem finding a well suited residency program. 

Came back with a developing cold though and spent the first couple of days in bed.  And still have the nagging cough now.  Xmas is approaching fast.  Got to get the gifts wrapped and placed under the tree.  Got to think about what to make for Xmas dinner. 

The Gaggia Baby Twin is a nice machine.  Easy to use and produces quite good cups of espresso and my mochachino.  I’m happy for the purchase and L now has an extra task to roast espresso beans in addition to the regular coffee.  But he has got a system goig already, much better than I ever did. 

Never been a card giver.  Still get lots of cards from our friends, wonder how long they will last if i don’t send one back.  It’s a task for the well organized people, not me.  Too much planning and work for a little card.  But I have to say, gift wrapping can give a small gift a more meaningful feeling.  I may need to look into that.  A careless wrapping makes a well thought out gift look hastely put together. 

Ok, just random thoughts.  I know I can do better than this and write more often.

This has been a long project so far.  It went smoothly and quickly in the beginning.  The cables look good and knitting in the round makes the progress fast.  But I have the darnest time trying to make it in the right ratio and fit.  First I got too confident and cut the steek before I realized that it is way too long in the body and the sleeves.  So I had to tear it out and reknit the body and the sleeves. 

Since it was already cut, I had to knit back and forth on the body.  It’s a great way to practice knitting backwards with my left hand but the tension isn’t as stable and the cables don’t look as uniform as before. 

I spent the whole day knitting the saddle shoulder, the collar band and it was finished late night.  A trial wear revealed that the shoulder turn were too square and the back of the neck too low.  So I tore everything back out to before the saddle shoulder decrease again.

The yarn is beautiful and expensive.  At least I know that I will have enough yarn for the project.  And hopefully it will turn out wearable for Leo.  But I am having the darnest time making a sweater fit the body still.  That’s frustrating.

I got a crystal bracelet in Sedona.  It’s called muscovite.  The description: Mystical sonte with angelic presence.  Self-confidence  optimism.  Intuition.  Helps in dealing with major life changes.  Aids in transformation where needed.  Helps problem solving & selr-reflection.  Don’t know why I chose this one.  There were so many. 

I wish I had more time to browse and ponder over.  Sedona is a mystical place.  If only I had more time to join one of the spiritual tours with meditations.  Mom’s passing stirred up my quest for the spiritual things again.  Maybe it’s a natural happening.

It took us 3 weeks to drive to palo alto and back.  Not all of it was driving though.  We spent a few days in Las Vegus, a few in Sedona, a few in Phoenix, one in Taos and Elko, St Louis.  I almost feel as comfortable on the road as I am at home after so many months of traveling and staying at the hotels.  But it’s still good to come home and stay for a while.

Mom still pops into my head often.  Although I haven’t been diligent in saying the prayers for her, my heart is still aching for her and think of her often.  Today, I organized the pictures on my Acer and looked at the funeral pictures which brought some sadness on.  Don’t know how long will it take for me to process the emotions.  I’m cerntainly avoiding it and taking my time. 

The house is kind of messy.  I’ve already spent a couple of days trying to put some order into the chaos.  Some is in better shape, the pantry tho is still on the waiting list.  Leo’s sister has inspired me to be more organized and to pair things down.  But it seems that I am only organizing and not discarding much yet.  It’s another form of letting go.   Stuff creates garbabe in the psyche.  Let go of them to create a beginnig for lighter more spiritual space.  But it’s hard.

It’s not a week yet since I got home.  Most days I spent in oblivion trying to sleep whenever I have a chance.  Maybe it’s a form of avoidance, maybe my body cries out for rest, maybe I just don’t want to deal with life yet.  Friends and family have been most loving and accomodating by letting me sleep and leaving me alone and offering to listen and talk.  I just feel that something is missing.  Not that I have been that close to mom over the past few years, but knowing that she is here no more creates a hole in my heart.  And a place I don’t want to touch or visit yet.  Don’t know when I will, just know I want to look the other way.

Working has helped.  I started working the first day back and after a few days of rest, I am working today and tomorrow to put some time in for September.  We are leaving again in a couple of days to go to Palo Alto.  Moving things for Ey before his school starts.  Tagging on a week or so for some vacation time.  We haven’t done any long distance traveling by car yet and this will be an interesting try.  Nothing beats a total dedication with no looking back.  Once we are on the road, we have to get there in 4 days or else and a flying by the seat of the pants approach is not like some 50-60 year olds.  Planning is a thing of the past, right?

Still, looking forward to the Sedona stay.  Maybe I’ll be willing to deal with my emotions then.  Maybe not.  Mindless driving should provide plenty of time to reflect. 

Mourning is for the living not for the dead.  Maybe that’s the thought that keeps my emotinos in check.  No need to indulge in self pity.  Mom just crossed the life and death line and her spirit is still near.  Will she be able to hear my thoughts?  Will she benefit from my silent prayers?  Hope she passes through to heaven or the most happy place as Buddhism puts it in no time.  The ultimate letting go.  It may help if we practice a little bit here on earth to get used to the idea when the time comes and we neeed to do it for real, for life, for relationships, for materials, even for love.

Went to the bank and took care of some business there.  Went back to the hotel and took a nap.  Serena picked me up on her way to the shop and i spent the afternoon there.  We talked and for the first time we almost got into an argument.  It’s when she thought I accused her of being nice to people because of business.  I didn’t accuse her, I just thought that would be the reason I would put up with people whose personality is in conflict with mine.  I have less tolerance of people like that than she does.  She sees the loneliness and the helplessness side and she’s willing to share her compassion for them.  I may need to improve my own personality to accommodate more people in my life.

This is the last full day in Taiwan.  I’m leaving tomorrow for the trip home.   Not sure how to deal with my emotions yet.  And there are still potential problems ahead.  I don’t want to think about them now. 

Mr. Liu called tonight to show his concerns and to wish me a safe trip home.  He’s being very helpful trying to help me understand the hidden intentions or customs like I should give Nikon’s children some red envelop for good luck.  Like I should thank Nikon for his help, etc.  I’m thankful to meet someone like him to help me through this process.  God has sent a lot of angels.

Early in the morning, the van came to the hotel and picked me and 星蓮 up.  Nikon and his wife, his son and his oldest daughtest were already on the van.  we arrived at the funeral home well before 8am.  As soon as we got in front of the hall, I noticed that they made a mistake and put the wrong maiden name for mom.  Nikon told Mr. Liu and asked him to change it asap.  He called his assistant and got that corrected before the ritual. 

We went to the name plate room with the master and moved mom’s name plate to the ritual hall.  We put on the mourning clothing and then at the ‘right time’, went and moved mom from the cold room to the ritual hall, she was placed behind the platform that has her picture and the name plate and lots of flowers. 

After the master said the prayers, the family said good byes to mom, then the friends.  Another set of prayers were said then we moved her body to the cremation hall.  At the moment they moved her coffin into the burner, we all said ‘Get out of your body quickly, the fire is coming’.  We waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half and the screen showed it’s done.  We went down, I got the 捨立子 and the closest family picked the leg bones and put them in the urn, then the helper from the funeral home put the rest in and sealed it. 

We all piled back into the van and went to the ashes tower temple.  The drive took about 40 minutes, we went through another set of rituals and moved her urn into the storage locker. 

The van took us back to Taipei and dropped us off.

I kept my emotions in check and focused on the procedures and tasks at hand.  I will deal with them when i get home. 

When we were waiting for the cremation, Nikon told me the older cousin was upset that he didn’t see flower basket with his name on it.  He didn’t express the intention to send the flower basket or to order them himself, we ordered all the flower baskets ourselves.  He should have the sense to do something to show respect to mom, he didn’t but he expect others to include him in the preparation.  There is very little respect I have for him left.

Nikon gave me the messages that the grandson in China said.  He was upset that I kept mom’s ashes in Taiwan.  He said the husband and wife should be buried together and he questioned if I care about my dad and don’t I want to pay him the visit and respect too?  I said of course I care about dad too.  Why don’t we move him back to Taiwan so they can be togther and i can come back here and visit both of them.  I was angry.  I was angry that they assume the authority to make the decision where I should keep mom’s ashes.  I was angry that they accuse me of not care about dad.  I was angry finally that they took dad’s ashes back to China and now I don’t get to pay him the respect when I come back to Taiwan.  Nikon still hinted that we can move mom back in a couple of years when they are ready and I calm down.  I don’t think so.  But then, why am I so stubborn about where the ashes are kept if I don’t believe the spirit is there any more.  All these arguments are for the living and what makes the living feel better, not for the dead.  Oh well.  this is probably part of the stuff I need to process when I get back.  Maybe I’ll calm down like Nikon said and give up and let them have her ashes in a couple of years.  It’s only for selfish reason I want to keep her in Taiwan. 

I spent the night with Serena and her husband.  They helped me keep my mind off of the emotions.