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Mom took a dive when I came in this morning. Her blood pressure is very unstable. Nurse put the pressurized breathing on and the ekg? To monitor her heart rate and breathing. The attending came in and said these are expected signs due to her kidney’s total failure.

I declined the single room safteer all. It is $100 US a day. I almost changed my mind again. I struggle between wanting to have the peace and quiet for mom and the expenses. I also have concerns for the neighbor. What would they feel if mom leaves on the next bed. Well, I declined the single room offer. So we will just deal with whatever happens.

The caretaker told me one of the night nurse came to our room and sat and talked to her last night. She wanted to tell me about the praise the nurse was giving her. But all I can think of is to tell her to try to be quiet and stop bringing people in. I want to but I don’t want to offend her either.

I finally told her to lower their volume or step outside when one of her friends showed up again and they were talking and laughing and when the nurse tried to talk to me we had to raise our voice to hear each other. I just couldn’t stand it any more. She apologized and went ousted the room. I heard other people showed up, it was her boss and they talked for a while before she came back in.

Mom’s blood pressure has been low today and the blood oxygen dropped too. The resident said it may not be long, maybe today or tomorrow.

Nikon came around noon, chi lee and his wife also came this afternoon. I am a bit tired now, still have a bit of jet lag. Got up at 3am this morning and wasn’t able to fall back to sleep after that. The new neighbor moved to the cheaper room. And I asked the resident if they can leave it empty for now. She didn’t come back to let me know whether it’s ok. So far, no new neighbor.

This day continues. Decided to stay in the hospital tonight. The doc said it could be tonight or tomorrow. They put the pressurized mask on again for mom. Her oxygen level is up again. She is hanging on.

It was a busy day.  I visited mom in the hospital in the morning, she had a quiet night.  They put a heating lamp stand at the end of her bed and used it to warm her at night.  Her temperature was low.  Otherwise, she looked the same.  I went to the bank and checked the accounts and changed the address.  Went to the cell phone store and changed the plan.  Got back around noon.  Mom’s the same. 

When i was at the cell phone store, I discovered mom’s health Insurance ID is missing.  They use that as a form of identification.  I started tracking it after lunch.  First, I called the nursing home, they said they don’t have it.  I asked the nurse station, they don’t have it.  I went to all the lost and found in the hospital, they don’t have it.  I went to the emergency room, they said they already gave it back.   A clerk was nice enough to print out the receipt for me and it showed that the caretaker in the emergency room signed for it and yet when the nursing home found her, she said she didn’t get it. 

Head nurse said we need to go and re-apply for one.  We will need it when mom checks out.  Nikon came to the hospital when I was talking to her.  He said, let’s go and get it now.  He happened to drive his car yesterday to the hospital, so he dropped me off at the health dept building and I went up with mom’s id and mine.  It didn’t take too long, about 30 minutes.  At least, that part was painless, they were efficient and it seems to be a usual situation.  They checked your IDs and print out a new card for you.  My number was 641.  Could it be there were 600 people went through yesterday?  Possible.

Nikon dropped me back at the hospital and went home.  He volunteers for his community, and he was on duty last night.  The caretaker left after lunch and said she needed to go and get some things.  She said it’ll tkae about 2.5 hours.  She asked the caretaker of the next bed to watch mom for her since our neighbor checked out around noon.  She called around 4:15 and said she needed to take her daughter to the doctor and would be late.  Finally, she called around 5pm and said she was back.  She went home and brought lots of food (including raw eggs and fresh vegetables) from home.  They were eating goodies when I got back to the room 15 minutes later.

This caretaker is an experienced one and even the nurse trusts her and have her train the nurse intern on how she flips mom and how to clean her.  However, she is nosiy.  She complained to me that the neighbor’s nurse have other caretaker friends come and visit with her.  She said she never talk to other caretakers.  However, she has a friend that delivers business cards for her agency to all big hospitals that came and use her as a station in this one.  The friend came a couple of days ago.  She came again while the caretaker was gone in the afternoon and left her purse.  Then she came back when the caretaker was back and stayed and talked and ate with her for at least an hour.  They were noisy and loud and busy talking and eating.  I noticed she hadn’t put the creme the doctor prescribed for the bruises on mom’s arms, so I started putting it on.  She came over and told me she already did that, and i shouldn’t put it on again.  Then she realized she didn’t.  I knew, because the tube was sealed when I opened the box.  She then took over and put it on.  I was trying to talk to mom when I got back in the afternoon, but she kept talking to me and interrupting me on food she cooks in the hospital and such. 

Maybe I am too nice to these caretakers, they all seem to take advantage of  the situation and become bold and assuming.   Last time, the caretaker learned how to knit socks from me and practically asked me to buy yarns for her.  At least, she stayed in the hospital the whole 20 days and didn’t ask to go for a break for a few hours.  I guess you have to put up with some of the nusances of having help.

One of the nurses told me there is a single room coming up the next day.  But the head nurse seemed to think not.  I guess I’ll find out when I get there today.   Fell asleep exhausted around 10 and woke up at 3am.  Couldn’t go back to sleep so it’s the best time to write and keep some record of what’s happening. 

Mom’s situation seemed to have got better yesterday afternoon.  They put the feeding tube back in and gave her some sugar water to see if her system can take it.  Her temperature raised from 34.9 to 35.3.  I was cheering when the nurse looked at me funny.  I know it’s still low but it’s an improvement.  She seemed closer to consciousness also, moved her arms, screwed up her face to show discomfort, and breathed with more effort.  I was trying to talk to her then but the caretaker kept interrupting me and wanted to talk to me.  It was a bit annoying.  Generally, I like to be quiet but she is talkative and loud.  sigh.

I got a dinner box with roast duck and had a little bit of brandy with dinner in the hotel room.  Maybe that’s why I quickly fell asleep after dinner, the busy day also had something to do with it.

Nikon said the older cousin called and asked him what to do now that mom seems to be getting stable.  Nobody knows what to do.  I can stay for at most 30 days, I will have to change the itinerary for the flight back in that case.  Or I’ll have to get out of the country and come back in to get another 30 days.  But no one knows what’s going to happen.  We’ll have to wait and see i guess.  Life is unpredictable.

It’s been 3 days since I came back.    Mom’s condition remains the same.  Unconscious, bleeding in the bladder, breathing oxygen through the mask, weak and cold.  She pulled out the IV and bled through two blankets and the bedding before the caretake discovered it in the middle of the night.  By the morning when I got there, her arm was all bruised up from their attempts at finding a usable site for the IV again.  Her vessels have got so tiny and hard to find now, it’s a miracle to be able to find one that the IV can send the nutrients in. 

They forgot to turn on the rinse for the bladder so they had to manually inject and suction the bladder to get the blood clod out so it won’t plug the bladder in the afternoon.  The attending came around 5pm with some students, they stayed at mom’s bed side and observed with her making comments on mom’s symptoms.  Even with a daughter in the medical school, I feel like an experiment when the crowd gathered around mom’s bed, observing in medical terms. 

The head nurse came in the afternoon also and talked to me for a while.  Telling me to talk to mom even though she is unconscious, because the hearing is the last to go she said.  The nurse pulled me aside in the morning to tell me mom showed signs of failing, the shallow breathing and the little urine (not knowing they forgot to turn the rinse on).  The attending said I am the miracle drug for mom.  She was doing poorly last week until I came back, then she got stable.   小花，mom’s god-daughter came in the afternoon, she said it’s hard to find a ‘good’ date forfuneral because mom is a ‘tiger’.  She said I should put on the socks and shoes for her when we dress her.  So many traditions, i would rather not know any.

I asked for a single room for mom, we are still on the waiting list.  The caretaker for the neighbor is loud on her phone, she sings, she has other caretaker visitors.  I share the sleeper chair with our caretaker and feel I’m intruding.  It’s her bed at night, it’s her ‘station’.  I wish we have a bigger room, more chairs, and less noise with the door closed.   God willing. 

I’m in a dilima.  I want to pray for mom.  But do I pray to the budda that she believes in or to the christian God that I am close to?  It’s a test of my own belief.  I always believe in a higher being whether it be the buddist gods or the christian god, or the moslim’s god.  I learned to pray to the christian god, and now I’m at a loss how to pray to that higher being I believe is the same for all.  Isn’t that ironic.  I just realized I am still bound by the divides human in our finite wisdom made to help us understand the spiritual plane.  It doesn’t matter which kind of prayer or which god we pray to, ‘they’ don’t care.  It’s one of the many means to reach them/it/him/her.   The right one is the one that helps us ‘feel’ that connection to them.

Exhausted and got back to the hotel early.  Went to slepp probably before 9.  Woke up at 1am.  And haven’t been able to fall back to sleep.  The morning is here.  It’s going to be a struggle again in the afternoon.

It’s almost 4 weeks since I left Taiwan to go home. Im back again. In the same hospital, a different floor. Going through jet lag right now. Feel like I’m in a fog. Mom is finally sleeping after fussing for a while. The lump on her eye has got redder and bigger. She can’t eat, she can’t urinate. It’s hard for her to breathe. The doctors are amazed at how long mom has lasted under her situations. They thought I won’t be able to see her again.

It’s hard to watch her suffer like this. I don’t like to wake her up and see her struggling to breathe and appear to be very uncomfortable. Sometimes the nature is cruel.

Cousin called and said mom is back in the hospital.   He was going out of town so it was a few days of agonizing over what’s happening.  He called this morning and said she is stable and they are transferring her out of ICU.  It is a relief and yet it’s not. 

Talked to the neighbor yesterday, we shared a bottle of Parduchi.  And she said, for some people it seems that it takes a while for them to process their lives before they pass away like her mom.  Her mom was in a semi-awake state for a while too, and she said her mom was mentioning names of the dead relatives and once she was making pie.  So could it be that we have to re-live our lives in that state before we can pass on?  Is it what people describes as the out-of-body experience?  No one knows.  But it is something for the living to ponder.

So maybe mom is doing the processing now.  As long as she is out of it while she does that, I would feel more at peace.  The nurses like to shake and wake her to see if she is arousable which disturbs her process probably if that’s the case.  I hope she can process it fast and move on and out of the failing and suffering body.  Is it bad for me to think that?

Mom was sent to the emergency roon and then ICU and then the infectious disease ward.  I took a month’s leave from work and stayed at her bedside in the hospital for a month.  I liked the time when she was unconscious more than when she was semi awake.  She lookd peaceful when she was out of it but moaned and uncomfortable when she was semi awake.

I don’t think I could take it more than 4 weeks I took off.  It was unbearable to see the doctors or the nurses poke her or stuck tubes in her.  I ran out of her room every time they came in to ‘help’ her in that way.   For some reason, she did not want to acknowledge me either when she was semi-awake.  I felt bad for her when they hurt her, I felt bad when she ignored me.  I felt bad when the relatives pushed me to make hard decisions or told me what they think I should do with her money.  I felt stressed out the whole time. 

Thank god for friends.  Even friends I made a year ago treated me nicer and more honest than those relatives.  The relatives expected rewards or undeserved respects.  I, in my American ways of thinking, did not think they deserve any such thing.  But I was too timid to give them the piece of my mind.  So i suffered, biting my tongue, worrying if i would blow up and show disrespect, and I drank in my hotel room and ate way too much.

I brought 3 extra pounds back.  My stress and depression is still with me after a week.  I feel that noone really understands what I had gone through and I can’t really tell anyone how I feel.  I’m stuck between the American way and the Chinese traditions.  How ridiculous.

Actually, I should say a day at Marriot in Chicago.  E is taking her whole day oral exam today and I volunteered to accompany her.  We got here with no incident.  Ey used his premium membership and reserved a room for us, it is in the Conciere’s floor that comes with free dinner and breakfast and freshly brewed Starbucks coffee machine.  After we got here, we realized the test center is on the other side of the parking lot, a 5 minute walk if that.  Great!  We looked in the dining room and found hotdogs and some beef sitting in a pot of liquid.  Not very appitazing.  We talked to the conciere and decided to go out.  He recommended Harry Carey about 2 miles away.  We took a cab and had a great dinner there.  The waitor, Robert, is from Poland and he’s quite funny actually.  He approved our selections for dinner and chastised us when we wanted to order dessert while our leftovers are wrapped up in bags.  But all in all, it was good food and good company.  Finally had a chance to talk to E.  It seems lately we never had time to sit down for a one-on-one talk.  This was a great catch up dinner.

I walked her over this morning to the test center and came back to the room, did some knitting and found that I brought the wrong color of yarn for the lace project.  And I need a separate needle for the edging.  So I took a short nap, maybe just a closed-eye rest and checked out the room.  Came down to the lobby and fired an email to L.  It was a big mistake to not have the right thing for knitting.  With all the stuff I brought, knitting is the thing that keeps my hands busy while listening to the ebook.

L and I went with S and D to Pittsburg yesterday.  Wow!  We thought we were going to get some Chinese food there, that’s all.   But they took us to the Strip District and wow.  First of all, it only took S 1.5 hour to get there, which speaks for the speed and it was a good thing they drove.  Finding a parking spot was a nightmare.  She had to circle around, U-turn to be exact back and get going in a hurry when a spot freed up.  I don’t think either L or I could have done it.  We are simply not fast or competitive enough to fight for a spot like that.

There were tons of people at the strip.  I didn’t expect to see so many people there.  It’s almost like the shih-lin night market only it has an internatinoal flavor to it.  We found Italian grocery store, restaurant, Mexican street food, salsa, coffee store with a huge roaster in the middle of the store, of course a Chinese grocery store, fresh bread, clothes, fish market, arabic store where L found his favorite Lebenon pickle.  And much, much more.  I am not a crowd person, but I am very impressed with the diversity of food and merchandise displayed along the strip.  And the number of people there.  You can hardly walk.  You also have to bring a big bag to hold all the stuff you buy along the street before you can go back to your car to unload.  Man!

Then we went to Rose Tea Cafe for some authentic Chinese food.  Mmm mm mm mm mmm as Rachel Ray would say.  S brought two bottles of wine.  It’s the first time they charge a fee to open the bottle for her.  And we ordered food.  Boy, did we order food.  We had two tables pushed together and still the dishes barely fit.   I should have brought my camera to take a picture of all the great food we had.  L couldn’t believe how much we ordered but he did his share of eating for sure.   Of course we boxed all the leftovers and then we ordered more to go.  he he.  It was a food explorsion yesterday.  Now we have several days of food in the fridge.

And that was the only meal either of us had yesterday.  We didn’t feel hungry for the rest of the day.  Even for L.  He stayed away from food the whole day.  That was amazing.

All in all, it was a very good day and very pleasant surprise to visit the strip and to go through town and see all the universities there.  S and D did all the driving.

From Knitting

From Knitting

I finished the throw that I planned for the surgery recovery period.  It was very hot while I knitted it, the yarn is a very fluffy warm one.  And it was very easy to knit the pattern.  Now I have a warm throw to use watching TV or in the car.